Because

Drop your written rhymes in one of the largest collections of original rhymes on the internet. The feedback in our Written Rhymes section will simply amaze you.

Moderators: Loon E Lou, Enlightend

Post Reply
Haz
Supreme Lyricist
Offline
Posts: 6800
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2006 1:41 am
Wins: 67
Losses: 70
Location: The Port

Because

Post by Haz »

[center]Iv'e grown cold it's known
life blocks my spirit,I have a soul of stone
Numbness holds my bones...
Your free to have emotions,Iv'e sold my own
In the darkest place...I pick apart my face
start to pace..Wish I could have my Heart replaced
It's never smart to chase, but I'm behind you
I try to remind you..This is the only thing you'll find true
But I find through my attempt's to keep you For Me...
I'm shrugged off.. like I ain't here,just a Secret story...
I wish I never felt like this again..Like the Last time I did
Measuring the time I lived..ready to give the rest away
like It's mine to give... This isn't any kind of fib
I feel this pressure in my chest, spine and ribs
I'm standing on a skyscraper screaming FUCK to the world
it's a damn shame..I'm feeling like this Because of a Girl[/center]
Image
User avatar
PeyotePearl
Potential Emcee
Offline
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun May 13, 2012 7:16 am

Re: Because

Post by PeyotePearl »

Absolutely love the lyrics you can really feel the emotion. Keep it up.
Image
User avatar
AntiMaTTer
Army Of Three
Offline
Posts: 716
Joined: Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:52 am
Wins: 16
Losses: 1

Re: Because

Post by AntiMaTTer »

yea this was a nice short piece. pretty smooth thru and thru
the lyrics are well used and has a good rhyme scheme
I'm standing on a skyscraper screaming FUCK to the world
it's a damn shame..I'm feeling like this Because of a Girl
last 2 lines were a good closer i felt the multis and
pretty much sumed it up str8 to the point
Image

IL record:
16-1
User avatar
Glamtrash
Poetic Juggernaut
Offline
Posts: 1498
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:42 pm
Wins: 0
Losses: 0
Location: Where the Treetops Kiss the Stars

Re: Because

Post by Glamtrash »

Awe look at you go with your feelings and shit lol. Seriously though, its good shit. You're young yet sweetheart, you'll find her :)

[ Post made via Android ] Image
User avatar
K KiLLaH
Rap King
Offline
Posts: 811
Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2009 7:38 am
Wins: 20
Losses: 5

Re: Because

Post by K KiLLaH »

lol haz went soft on em for a second i dig it :clap:
User avatar
Kuhlerblynd
But I See Right Thru You
Offline
Posts: 2724
Joined: Tue Aug 17, 2010 8:04 pm
Wins: 43
Losses: 8
No Shows: 2

Re: Because

Post by Kuhlerblynd »

Hmm... Two things I dont like about it. One, it's too short, and two, it's not long enough. The multi's were on point, the flow was smooth. You incorporated some imagery, tossed in some metaphors, and laced it over emotion. Nothing can really be said bad about this, except for the two things I already mentioned lol. My favorite bars would be...
In the darkest place...I pick apart my face
start to pace..Wish I could have my Heart replaced
It's never smart to chase, but I'm behind you
I try to remind you..This is the only thing you'll find true
I felt that was real gritty... Keep dropping.
--~Murk McNasty~--
Battle WRECKord 42-8
Image
User avatar
Reminiscent
Rookie
Offline
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue May 15, 2012 8:15 am

Re: Because

Post by Reminiscent »

Iv'e grown cold it's known
life blocks my spirit,I have a soul of stone (these 2 lines start me off right. Although, if you could enlighten me on what "life blocks my spirit" it would be great. I think I'm thinking of it too broadly though)
Numbness holds my bones... (One of those sick lines that you ask yourself "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!?")
Your free to have emotions,Iv'e sold my own
In the darkest place...I pick apart my face
start to pace..Wish I could have my Heart replaced (I love and get what you're trying to say here, but I think it could have been done a little better. Just my opinion)
It's never smart to chase, but I'm behind you
I try to remind you..This is the only thing you'll find true
But I find through my attempt's to keep you For Me...
I'm shrugged off.. like I ain't here,just a Secret story...
I wish I never felt like this again..Like the Last time I did
Measuring the time I lived..ready to give the rest away (I like the way you break the rhyme here, only things I've seen professionals do well. I know I can't)
like It's mine to give... This isn't any kind of fib
I feel this pressure in my chest, spine and ribs
I'm standing on a skyscraper screaming FUCK to the world
it's a damn shame..I'm feeling like this Because of a Girl (In my opinion this is a good ender)



Overall: This is a great read. Your multi's are always on point and that's a soft spot for me. I absolutely love multi's. The content was great - in certain areas it changed the meaning (only the way we perceive it) and then it was absolutely clear. But it didn't stray away from the overall meaning - either. I love that.

You're really good but I think you can explain a few lines a little better. But, know this, this is only 1 opinion. One opinion shouldn't change your style or what you mean when you write. Keep doing you and I can't wait to read your next piece.
User avatar
Momeijah
Supreme Lyricist
Offline
Posts: 6964
Joined: Tue Aug 22, 2006 12:32 am
Wins: 38
Losses: 7

Re: Because

Post by Momeijah »

I just randomly read this cause I was bored but felt I needed to give some feedback cause it was dope. Really felt the imagery and emotion on this one man it was pretty short but packed with detail so I didn't feel like I just read a drop without like ... feeling anything. The lyrics caught my attention and held it keep it up.

[ Post made via iPod ] Image
Image
Image

AKA SCOTCH HALL, MOE MEIJER & MOMEIJAH.
User avatar
NeverOddOrEven
The Prophet of Poetry
Offline
Posts: 96
Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2011 6:20 am
Wins: 3
No Shows: 1

Re: Because

Post by NeverOddOrEven »

my dude, you honestly killed it with this one. you kept it personal and raw, yet easy for all of us to relate to... which is a hard balance to create in Hip Hop. Everything about this piece was just on point. I give you a lot of props for this one.
Post Reply

Return to “Written Rhymes”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests