Gettin Better
Moderators: Loon E Lou, Enlightend
Gettin Better
1st link
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/time- ... ml#p163166
2nd link
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/1st-o ... ml#p163167
wrote this on a cypher but wanted feedback on it
So many checks dat the SLA boi cashin
i go harder than a virgin in da playboi mansion
time for neck slashin, back lashin,
seatbelt better be fastend
cuz here enters da Southern Livin Assassin
so ya know ya acts crashin
n hearts burnin
ya sins, from way back when, are killin ya within, which thens creates ya stomach to start turnin
faggets now are churnin, never learnin what it means to be da freestyle king
limosuines n bling are things of no need cuz my aurora gleams
da hoes swings n sync car steams in those scenes fuck thy who hordes da lean
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/time- ... ml#p163166
2nd link
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/1st-o ... ml#p163167
wrote this on a cypher but wanted feedback on it
So many checks dat the SLA boi cashin
i go harder than a virgin in da playboi mansion
time for neck slashin, back lashin,
seatbelt better be fastend
cuz here enters da Southern Livin Assassin
so ya know ya acts crashin
n hearts burnin
ya sins, from way back when, are killin ya within, which thens creates ya stomach to start turnin
faggets now are churnin, never learnin what it means to be da freestyle king
limosuines n bling are things of no need cuz my aurora gleams
da hoes swings n sync car steams in those scenes fuck thy who hordes da lean
Time For Neck Slashin, Back Lashin,
Seatbelt Better Be Fastend
Cuz Here Enters Da So]uthern Livin Assassin
Seatbelt Better Be Fastend
Cuz Here Enters Da So]uthern Livin Assassin
Re: Gettin Better
Not bad at all, could use some touching up. Otherwise your best line
Keep droppin'time for neck slashin, back lashin,
seatbelt better be fastend
cuz here enters da Southern Livin Assassin
Re: Gettin Better
thank you bro n fasho
Time For Neck Slashin, Back Lashin,
Seatbelt Better Be Fastend
Cuz Here Enters Da So]uthern Livin Assassin
Seatbelt Better Be Fastend
Cuz Here Enters Da So]uthern Livin Assassin
- ScottJames
- Army Of Three
- Posts: 855
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 11:07 am
- Wins: 25
- Losses: 3
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- Location: Seattle
Re: Gettin Better
i did not like this. tooooo simple. sorry.
WINS:
Ekmos - KO ... Duc3 - KO ... Jesodist - KO ... MagicMark - KO ... Animul_Instinkz - KO ... Old Rotten - KO ... Dr Kevorkian - KO ... Ambition - KO ... Eclipse - KO ... Domino - 5-3 ... Crimson - KO ... MC Scars - KO ... Modern Defiance - KO ... Tempest - KO ... QwarterZ - KO ... TreTru - KO ... Quix - KO ... Grim/Leeroi Green - KO ... Knowmad - KO ... Cre@tiv3 - KO ... MVario - TKO ... Hazard - KO ... ER - KO ... Colossus - KO ... FlipSide - KO ... JackDaRippa - KO ... JSteel - KO ... Kau The Lion - KO ... 32Neilz - KO ... Evolution - TKO ... Shazo - KO ... CBK - KO
LOSSES:
Cee4 - 5-3
Cee4 - 5-3
OVERALL:
31-1
Re: Gettin Better
its str8....any feed is appreciated
Time For Neck Slashin, Back Lashin,
Seatbelt Better Be Fastend
Cuz Here Enters Da So]uthern Livin Assassin
Seatbelt Better Be Fastend
Cuz Here Enters Da So]uthern Livin Assassin
- Alvin
- Sudonim Free
- Posts: 1958
- Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 6:09 am
- Wins: 8
- Losses: 3
- No Shows: 1
- Location: CA
Re: Gettin Better
Overall, ok, nothing "great", but ok for a cypher. Had a couple good lines, but the delivery or punch kept falling through the cracks. Watch that. BTW, its really short man, try writing lengthier pieces.So many checks dat the SLA boi cashin
i go harder than a virgin in da playboi mansion
time for neck slashin, back lashin,
seatbelt better be fastend
cuz here enters da Southern Livin Assassin
so ya know ya acts crashin
n hearts burnin
ya sins, from way back when, are killin ya within, which thens creates ya stomach to start turnin
faggets now are churnin, never learnin what it means to be da freestyle king
limosuines n bling are things of no need cuz my aurora gleams
da hoes swings n sync car steams in those scenes fuck thy who hordes da lean
Re: Gettin Better
yeah i felt that it was too short as well after i posted it but
still wanted the feedback on it ya know
and i'll work on the delivery better
still wanted the feedback on it ya know
and i'll work on the delivery better
Time For Neck Slashin, Back Lashin,
Seatbelt Better Be Fastend
Cuz Here Enters Da So]uthern Livin Assassin
Seatbelt Better Be Fastend
Cuz Here Enters Da So]uthern Livin Assassin
Re: Gettin Better
Like others said, the flow is a little iffy. Also, to me it is a little simple, try making it more complex but not over the type. But for a cypher, it's not bad.
The times today is an embarrassment to mankind, we used to stand high but now we stand by. We watch all the hate crimes, im labelin this the decayed times...
Re: Gettin Better
thanx n i'll make sure to make my flows complex
Time For Neck Slashin, Back Lashin,
Seatbelt Better Be Fastend
Cuz Here Enters Da So]uthern Livin Assassin
Seatbelt Better Be Fastend
Cuz Here Enters Da So]uthern Livin Assassin
Re: Gettin Better
nothing great. but since you're improving dude, for your standards i'd say it pretty good. too simple, but no one can really talk since we've all been here.
keep writing bro. i'd like to hear more stuff from you.
keep writing bro. i'd like to hear more stuff from you.
- Noctoural88
- Rookie
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 1:41 pm
Re: Gettin Better
not bad if it was off the top but as a written (besides flow, it flowed pretty well), this piece is pretty bad in all areas. a few pointers to improve:
-try to stay away from cliches (i.e things like "seatbelt better be fastend" that people have probably said millions of times in rap), and played out punchlines ("i go harder than a virgin in da playboi mansion")
-use multi-syllable rhymes (google it)
-try to stay away from cliches (i.e things like "seatbelt better be fastend" that people have probably said millions of times in rap), and played out punchlines ("i go harder than a virgin in da playboi mansion")
-use multi-syllable rhymes (google it)
Re: Gettin Better
Not bad, a little simple but not bad, try out some multi's and work on the flow a bit
Re: Gettin Better
Not Bad Bro.. just take ur time next time you'll see that u can replace some lines with some complex shit (Make us Believe)
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