DFL writes a play!

[Glamtrash]

Characters:

Julian Thamos: Pessimist with bad days following him around every corner. Just lost his job, and all he wants to do is go home and rant to his girlfriend.

Helen: Helen is not all there. Doesn't listen a lot, is naive of the world and how things work. The typical girl next door that doesn't know there's a block to go around.

Inspector Garter Belt: Detective with less brains than a gerbil. Clueless, forgetful, and most of all, very stupid.

Doctor Lagolas: Blind as a bat. Likes other men.

Nurse Coral: Bombshell with brains and a kiss that could cure lepers.

Will: Only "normal" guy in the play.



Scene 1:

Julian: What a mess I have become. Unto my life there is nothing more. It all began as innocent as anything. A man such as myself may see it only as coincidence. But I am no longer THAT sort of man. A simple goodbye and all had left me...It's interesting. Should I be called a catalyst? No. But with the loss of my closest friends, I had thought that I could bounce back. Reinvent myself like Gaspe, or Poe, or even the fucking Spice Girls. But alas, I am still the same man that I have always been, and such, could not. Work was abysmal, and it seems that I have not the will to go once more. Well, if I could go back and go on. It seems that calling the company head a giant leech to all mankind is not appreciated, especially in front of the local share holders. Fired at the point of which I would have turned my life around. Gunned down to the pivotal point of my adult life. Bit these things are all depressing...I need something...Helen. Oh Helen! At least Helen shall entertain me. Oh Helen! She isn't violent or bloodthirsty like those bastards that employed me. Oh Helen! Listen to me and tell me all that you can to lift my spirits to the heavens!

**Enter Helen**

Helen: Look Julian! I bought myself a new gun!

Julian: A gun? A tool of the damned? An eviscerator of life? Why? Why do you own such an evil tool?

Helen: Because it's shiny and pretty and I wanted you to see it, that's why.

Julian: Helen....It's not a toy. It's dangerous. Just put it away while I rant and rave about my day, and then you can tell me it's alright and that way, no one gets hurt.

Helen: It's not like I don't know what I'm doing. I've handled guns my entire life. And I don't believe that you will get hurt.

Julian: After today, I wouldn't doubt it. Just put it away, you DON'T know how to handle one of those.

Helen: Julian Thamos that's just mean! Telling me what to do. You DESERVE to get shot with the way you're treating me!

Julian: Oh I deserve to get shot, do I?

Helen: Yes!

Julian: Then just fucking shoot me Helen! Just shoot me in the god damned arm, and this day will be complete. A complete mess.

Helen: Well...If you say so...

**Helen shoots Julian in the arm**

Julian: OWWW! That hurt you spoony flooze!

Helen: Did it hit you? I meant to graze you! I'm sorry!

Julian: Of course the bullet hit me...And it hurt you feeble minded fool! Why did you shoot me?

Helen: Well, you asked for it.

Julian: i asked to be shot in the arm?

Helen: Well, you did.

Julian: I didn't mean it literally. It was a figure of speech.

Helen: What do you mean?

Julian: I surely didn't mean for you to shoot me!

Helen: Then why would you say that?!

**Enter Garter**

Garter: Excuse me, but what just happened?

Julian: Arrest her! She shot me!

Garter: What? Someone shot you? This is a mystery.

Julian: A mystery? A BLOODY MYSTERY?! What in the hell are you talking about? SHE shot me.

Helen: I did. Here's the weapon.

**Helen hands Garter the gun**

Garter: Hmm....The murder weapon...Too bad we have no way of telling who fired the shot.

Julian: Are you freakin deaf? The woman just ADMITTED to the crime!

Garter: Now sir, we're going to have to re-create the scene, as it were. Can you begin from the start?

Julian: Well, I would much prefer to see a doctor first.

**Julian holds his arm and sits in a chair**

Garter: Hmm...So where was this doctor when the shot occured?

Julian: Listen you twit. I'm bleeding, and it hurts. I was shot, AND SHE SHOT ME! I NEED A FUCKING DOCTOR!

Garter: Now now, no need to call people names. We're all adults here. Well, except me. I'm actually quite young. You see, I joined the force when my father was attacked by a herd of albino seals. It was then that I-

Julian: Hey! No monologues while I'm bleeding okay? This is NOT the time for long flashbacks. Get me a doctor, now.

Helen: Oh please, I'll get the damn doctor. You tell....Excuse me, what's your name?

Julian: Geez, she shoots me in the arm and can't even remember my name....What a girlfriend.

Helen: I meant HIS name you bloody fool.

Julian: Oh, sorry. I AM losing blood you know. Not everything is so understandable.

Garter: MY name is Inspector Garter Belt. And as I was saying, after my father was brutally beaten by the black tigers -

Helen: I thought you said it was albino seals?

Garter: Seals? Nah, they were in a cage. A sealed aquarium would mean he'd still be alive.

Helen: No, those things that balance balls on their nose and eat fish.

Garter: Oh, so you knew my father.

Julian: Wow...This feels kinda nice. My arm's making my whole body feel numb, and now I'm seeing my dead father, and my long lost grandmother, and my stupid girlfriend talking about seals with some twit who couldn't arrest a bee for buzzing!

Garter: Hey now! None of that. I said enough name calling, and I meant it!

Julian: What are you gonna do? Shoot me in the other arm?

**Garter takes aim and shoots his other arm**

Helen: Great, now we'll really need a doctor.

Julian: You know, that time it didn't hurt as much....Must have been since MY GIRLFRIEND ALREADY SHOT ME.

Garter: You asked for it. No more name-calling. Now to solve whom shot you in that arm...

Julian: Gee...I have a lead...YOU.

Garter: Who?

Julian: Well, I'd point at you if my arms weren't both shot! What the hell is going on with you people?

Garter: It seems we've hit a snag. I'm guessing we should call the doctor while I investigate.

Julian: About bloody time. You know what? This is the lowest point of my life.

**Enter Doctor Lagolas and Nurse Coral**

Doctor: Well, what seems to be the problem?

Julian: Well, I have a slight cough, my neck hurts, I have a little bit of a headache, and....Hmm...I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE FUCKING ARMS! ARE YOU BLIND?!

Doctor: Well, actually I am. You see, when I was young my father was attacked by a fleet of giant squid while tavelling in New Mexico....

Helen: There's giant squid in New Mexico?

Doctor: Actually, no. But my father was a little too into zoos, and he decided it would be fun to tease the animals.

Garter: Wait...I have a long lost brother who was blind. I lost him at the New Mexico zoo! Brother!

Doctor: Brother! I've missed you so much

**They hug**

Garter: I've missed you too!

Doctor: Wait a second....I was an only child. Well, nice meeting you anyways.

Garter: Quite. You give a good hug,

Doctor: Gimme a call sometime big boy (wink) Now...What was I doing?

Julian: Well, let's see. I'm bleeding, you're blind, and now I feel woozy.

**Doctor faces Helen, who is now sitting**

Doctor: Well, how long have you had these conditions?

Helen: Well, ever since I had sx with the mailman-

Julian: What? You had sex with the mailman.

Helen: Yes...What's the matter?

**Julian stands in discust, not moving his arms**

Julian: What's the matter? WHAT'S THE MATTER?! Well, let's see...First I have a bad day, get fired, lose my best friends and then try to find some solice in my FAITHFUL girlfriend. Then, she buys a gun, which ends up getting me shot, and then I have to deal with this fool of an inspector. He shoots me in the other arm, I have to wait in complete and utter pain. And to top it all off, I find out that YOU, my love, are sleeping with the mailman, when it's the meat man you're supposed to sleep with! How are we to get the best meat otherwise?

Doctor: You shouldn't move much. Is there anything I can do for you sir?

Julian: Well, something ro dull the pain would be helpful. Might calm me down a bit as well.

Doctor: And what do you want me to do?

Julian: What? Give me a shot! It will dull the pain!

Doctor: Are you sure?

Julian: Yes, I'm sure! The pain is killing me!

Doctor: Alright, you are the patient.

**Holds his hand out, Garter hands him the gun**

Julian: Wait! I meant from a needle!

**Doctor shoots Julian in the leg. Julian writhes in pain, still standing, but not on that leg**

Doctor: Thank you Inspector. Here you go. (Gives the gun back to Garter, who gives it back to Helen) Another patient cured. My work here is done. Now the nurse will stay amd relieve any discomfort you may have.

**Doctor leaves. Julian, shot in the leg, hobbles and is held up by the nurse**

Nurse: Is there anything I can do for you sir?

Julian: Yes...Find me a lawyer. A good lawyer.

Nurse: I don't really know how to do that sir. But I did notice something. The bullet, in your arm, is blue.

Julian: The bullet is blue?

Nurse: The bullet is blue.

Julian: Why is the bullet blue?

**Julian falls, while Helen is babbling, to the ground**

Helen: Well, I like blue. It's odd really. I mean, you don't ever see the little things, but I had your credit card Julian, and it seemed like such a good value at fifty dollars extra. Anyway, blue is pretty. The sky is blue. And if you shoot a bullet up at the sky, then it would stain it, and I don't want that. But I guess I should buy some white ones too....That way, on cloudy days, I could shoot out as many as I want. White's nice and pure. You know, like me.

Julian: Pure? You're screwing the mailman AND you just shot me!

Garter: Someone's shot?

Helen: I think so. But it's to make him feel better.

Garter: Maybe I should Investigate.

Nurse: Maybe he needs another.

Garter: No one leaves! I am the police, and we are conducting an investigation. Now, where's my donuts?

Julian: What I need is for you to stop hurting me. What I need is a break. What I need is a lawyer. Now, get me a lawyer. I need to make a will.

**Enter Will**

Will: Excuse me, but did someone call?

Julian: Who are you? Another helper like my ditz nurse, my slut girlfriend, or my moronic inspector?

Will: Why, I'm Will. You called for me. Will the lawyer.

Julian: Good. I want you to listen. I, Julian Themos, of sound mind-

Helen: I don't think you are of sound mind honey.

Julian: And why's that?

Helen: Well, you keep lying on the ground.

Julian: Because I'm shot!

Garter (to Will): Excuse me, but who are you?

Will: I'm the lawyer. I'm here to make sure this man has a will.

Garter: EUREKA! It was you! It all coms together once more. You see, rampaging pink boas at a whorehouse crushed my father, and that was when I knew I'd never forget the state of New Mexico. You've never been to New Mexico, have you, Will the lawyer?

Will: No.

Garter: Well, then my assumptions are correct! While in Michigan, a rampaging man named Pete the Mad took out twelve pink boas for his girlfriend. The only thing odd about this was that Pete the Mad from Michigan is quite ugly, and therefore had no none girlfriend. Only five of the boas covered in pizza sauce and anchovies. You see, Pete is swahili for Will, and ever since I had deducted the boas were released by this man, staging himself as Julian's lawyer/ You're under arrest, Pete the Mad!

Julian: You are a complete knob, you know that right?

Garter: My work here is done. You can sleep at night once more, Mr. Julian.

**Will and Garter leave**

Helen: So dear, want to hold my shiny new gun now?

Julian: You know I would, sweetums, but it seems I can't stand up to get it, let alone hold it. You know, the whole not having use of my arms thing is kinda keepin me down.

Helen: Well, isn't someone in a mood....What happened to you today?

Julian: What happened? Have you not been listening? I lost my job. I lost my friends. I've probably lost most of the ability of my arms, and most of my left leg. I've had an inspctor who's a complete knob, a doctor who needs a seeing eye dog, and a nurse that really hasn't helped me much. Other than that I'm just freakin peachy....The world is my oyster.

Helen: Well, you have nothing to complain about then.

Julian: What?

Nurse: She has a point there sir. And you really should treat her better. You're a very lucky man.

Julian: I am?

Helen: You are! Too bad you never show it. I call the doctor, I pick out ammunition, I help the Inspector figure out your lawyers a murderer...

Julian: He's not my lawyer!

Nurse: My word, some men would bend over backwards for a woman like that.

**Helen seems to ponder on this thought**

Helen: You really think I could get any man? Even one that's not bleeding?

Nurse: Oh yes. I mean, you have brains, ammunition, good colour coordination, an ass that won't quit, and a nice shot.

Helen: You're right! I could have any man!

Nurse: Or woman, for that matter.

**Helen looks confused at first, then kinda thinks about it**

Helen: I don't know...I thought I left that all behind in my college days...But heck, I've been dug long enough with the shovel, I may as well just dive right into the hole! Goodbye Julian! I'm off to find the kinda woman that can pleasure me the right way!

**Helen leaves, Julian calls after her**

Julian: Well, I wasn't really in the mood anyway! This time it's me who's bleeding....AND YOU WEREN'T THE ONLY ONE FAKING!

Nurse: Well, it seems like it's just you and me sir. Do you want me to lift you off the ground now?

Julian: That'd be nice. Since the ground is a tad cold (nurse helps Julian up) I can't believe this day. It's been the worse ever. At least I still have my other leg. Is there anything you can give me for the pain Nurse?

Nurse: Well, I have one idea.

**Nurse picks up Julian and kisses him on the lips. Julian stands, moves his arms and is amazed. Helen watches the whole thing, aghast, not seen by anyone**

Julian: You see, that's just what I need. What a great pick me up. Why didn't you do that before?

Nurse: Because you never asked.

Helen: I leave for eighteen seconds and you're already kissing someone new?!

Julian: Didn't you leave me?

Helen: But that was when I was young and foolish!

Julian: I believe it was fifteen seconds ago.

Helen: Eighteen seconds! You don't even remember me! I was going to give you another chance! You've ruined my life Julian

**Helen puts gun to her head**

**Nurse clutches to Julian at the sight and screams**

Julian: Owww!

Nurse: What?

Julian Well, that kinda tends to hurt ones ears. I still have that headache and all.

Nurse: Well....I can get rid of that (Kissed Julian passionately once more)

Helen: Am I the only one that realizes that I'm about to kill myself?

**They break the kiss**

Julian: Oh yes, that. Well....Don't do it. I'm not worth it.

Nurse: Well, I wouldn't say that, you're a great kisser.

Julian: Really? She used to complain all the time.

Helen: Not helping!

Nurse: Oh right, that...Well, how did the whole woman thing turn out?

Helen: You should know! You were there!

Julian: Huh? She didn't leave for one second. Now Helen, we both know this isn't a good idea. Just give me the gun.

Helen: It's my gun, and if you hadn't been such a scrooge, you would have had your chance to hold it!

Julian: Well, if it wasn't a weapon of mass destruction, I may not have had to kiss the beautiful nurse.

Helen: You bastard!

Julian: Yeah and my mom liked every minute. What's your point? GIVE ME THE GUN

**Julian and Helen grapple off stage, a gunshot is heard, Julian staggers back onstage with a bloody chest**

Nurse: Something wrong hun?

Julian: Nothing, nothing at all. It just seems I've been shot again.

Nurse: Again?

Julian: Yeah. It was Helen. But, on the upside, the blue bullet matches my shirt.

Nurse: That's good honey, so how was your day?

Julian: Let's just say I have this aching feeling it won't happen again.

[Momeijah]

Hahaha, Just How a Play Should Be. The Policeman And Helen Were Probably The Best Characters id Say And u Made it All Surreal as Hell, Which is Good. ur Pretty Good at Slapstick, And This Was Kinda Monty Python Style So Keep it Up.

[Brah-Vo]

HAHAHA
Nice play. Good effort.
Garter Belt (nice name) was the best.
Keep up FL

[Arvincible]

That was beautiful lol
A great comedy that tears shakespeare into pieces!!

Garter: Wait...I have a long lost brother who was blind. I lost him at the New Mexico zoo! Brother!

Doctor: Brother! I've missed you so much

**They hug**

Garter: I've missed you too!

Doctor: Wait a second....I was an only child. Well, nice meeting you anyways.

Garter: Quite. You give a good hug,



that was my favorite part...had me rolling lol i want to read more hehe

[Viral]

this is the 1st and ONLY play i ever bothered to read..and it was THE SHIIIIT!..lol i loved it...n i couldnt help but laugh at the ways dudes dad died...lol and this definatley kept me wantin to read...u should definatley write some more...wit the same characters perhaps..shit was funny as hell


**Enter Garter**

Garter: Excuse me, but what just happened?

Julian: Arrest her! She shot me!

Garter: What? Someone shot you? This is a mystery.

Julian: A mystery? A BLOODY MYSTERY?! What in the hell are you talking about? SHE shot me.

Helen: I did. Here's the weapon.

**Helen hands Garter the gun**

Garter: Hmm....The murder weapon...Too bad we have no way of telling who fired the shot.

Julian: Are you freakin deaf? The woman just ADMITTED to the crime!

[Brah-Vo]

<3 garter.
Make a spinoff!
More garter!

[-TraMaTiK-]

Julian: Wow...This feels kinda nice. My arm's making my whole body feel numb, and now I'm seeing my dead father, and my long lost grandmother, and my stupid girlfriend talking about seals with some twit who couldn't arrest a bee for buzzing!

Garter: Hey now! None of that. I said enough name calling, and I meant it!

Julian: What are you gonna do? Shoot me in the other arm?

**Garter takes aim and shoots his other arm**


LOL^..i wuz like wow..lolllllll




Helen: I leave for eighteen seconds and you're already kissing someone new?!

Julian: Didn't you leave me?

Helen: But that was when I was young and foolish!

Julian: I believe it was fifteen seconds ago.

Helen: Eighteen seconds! You don't even remember me! I was going to give you another chance! You've ruined my life Julian

**Helen puts gun to her head**

**Nurse clutches to Julian at the sight and screams**

Julian: Owww!

Nurse: What?

Julian Well, that kinda tends to hurt ones ears. I still have that headache and all.


lmaoo^..wow Shanda looollll...this was a cool story those were some parts i found funny loool..liked it tho it wuz real good,as viral said u shud do more

[complexity]

Wow, that was amazing and highly entertaining.

[Glamtrash]

art 2 underway. Catch u now, kids.

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[Borat]

Love the shit out of this! Amazing work shanda

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