Natural Mystic

[QwarterZ]

They portrayed dreams, portraits in the frame of order
symbolized pain n torture, blew smoke rings changing quota's
seizing flameless odor, they sniffed hope outta gun powder
when life becomes sour, they pick the fruit within in one hour
oppurtunity granted, danced with the stars stimulated congress
their power emulates comets, crash sites that indicate progress
the sands spun into blankets of time, hope was then forsaken for life
soon explosions painted the planet, "motive" it changed with the canvas
time was slained with it's passion, "growth" portrayed the standards
the clouds formed a vegetation, sights became filled no hesitation



.......I messed up...lol


listenin' to Bob Marley

[- Mutual -]

aye this aint bad but the main thing that lets it down is the flow it is crazy and takes you off and so it's hard to apreciate the piece like that the multies werent bad but syllables were off i think coulda come better on this i think but a good read none the less

[complexity]

I'm going to have to disagree with -Messiah- slightly. I think that for the most part, all of the syllables that were touched upon, were accounted for. I think, we may be a bit strict when it comes to rhyming because so many people like "Ruckus" and yourself are meticulous about the perfection of the rhyme.

I honestly, got the flow, almost the whole time. The metaphors were more off and on to me. Once again, I found a few of them were kind of left to hang, while you went onto another one, like half thoughts that are left in a cloud of ambiguousness. At their best, that is what metaphors are suppose to do, but at their worst, its a lot for readers to grasp or interpret. I think you're still working on finding that thin line between brilliance and stretching.

Seems to me, where you were messing up, that the concepts were coming together nicely, should have kept going.

How much do you edit, by the way?

[QwarterZ]

I'm going to have to disagree with -Messiah- slightly. I think that for the most part, all of the syllables that were touched upon, were accounted for. I think, we may be a bit strict when it comes to rhyming because so many people like "Ruckus" and yourself are meticulous about the perfection of the rhyme.

I honestly, got the flow, almost the whole time. The metaphors were more off and on to me. Once again, I found a few of them were kind of left to hang, while you went onto another one, like half thoughts that are left in a cloud of ambiguousness. At their best, that is what metaphors are suppose to do, but at their worst, its a lot for readers to grasp or interpret. I think you're still working on finding that thin line between brilliance and stretching.

Seems to me, where you were messing up, that the concepts were coming together nicely, should have kept going.

How much do you edit, by the way?

thanx, usually I just go off to be honest...I never really edit...unless I'm for sure I'ma do something with it

so basically everything I write comes with the decency NOT to make sense right away
unless you pay attention...I think at this time I was focusing more on politics and whatnot
then again it may not come across that way depending on a persons view at the time being


They portrayed dreams, portraits in the frame of order
symbolized pain n torture, blew smoke rings changing quota's
seizing flameless odor, they sniffed hope outta gun powder
^^^^^that whole thing was like the portrayal of war

at which point I was like ok...then kept going

when life becomes sour, they pick the fruit within in one hour
oppurtunity granted, danced with the stars stimulated congress
their power emulates comets, crash sites that indicate progress
^^^^^^this part was like the picking of land which is the fruit

hence being a symbolism of...how should I put it? The Garden of Eden
the following line is stating how censorship can draw away attention from what's going on in the world
and with that impact it leaves a whole country to view that hold....
hence comets.....


otherwise.......I think you might get the idea of this?
maybe......then again....I'm just writing = )

[complexity]

A bar is worth a 1000 words.

[QwarterZ]

correct....lol

otherwise it makes sense to me as long as it gets a lil' appreciation....then I'm not slackin'

-- Tue Apr 20, 2010 4:34 pm --

and this needs feed...lol