Topical Battle Verse vs Colossus

[IntrinsicCadence]

Hey fam, can I get some feed back on this verse I wrote up. It was for the first round of the topical tournament, but my opponent didn't post his verse. Despite that I'd still really like to hear what u all think about this one.

The topic was: You just found out someone in your family died in a car accident, and you don't know who.
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I awoke perplexed, vexed to be at rest in a hospital berth.
In the next room I heard the doctor as he spoke of death.
I felt the hex of hopeless, potent, as it soaked within,
knowin' the collision musta killed one of my kin.

<flashback> Last night, as my family and I were on our ride home,
some drunk guy struck my blind side with his Rolls.
As we rolled my life flashed fast past my inner eye's sight,
'till it froze on a vivid image of my folks present fright.
I was livid and rivers of tears flowed from the windows of my soul,
then my spark a' life's glow withered and the dark took hold. </flashback>

I will never forgive him who did this if my fam dies,
I wanna sever the life of that damn devil in disguise.
I slowly rise to get upright, but no one's here to hold my hand,
so I bite my upper lip and fight the pain I'm up against to stand.
I hobble to the open door and step into the corridor,
but I can't keep my balance, so I fall and hit the floor.

Then my gramps hand reaches down to hoist me up,
he holds me in a hug while his voice expresses love.
Then he steps back, looks into my eyes with a melancholy vast,
and in anguish he then tells me he had caused the crash.
Love and hate mix as his words jab my heart like a fist.
I can't take this! So I limp away, my heart ripped from my chest.

In the room to the left, there's my mother layin' stiff,
so I lunge to her side but she's as silent as death.
I scream in a fret, but then I see a single tear manifest,
followed by a solemn stream pourin' out with every breath.
I lay my head in her hands to try to ease her pain,
then she gasps, opens her eyes, and calls out my name.

I hear a quiet foot step into the room,
an exhale, then a voice spoke in a reverent tone,
“I'm sorry ma'am but there's nothing we could do,
neither your son nor your dad suffered and they aren't alone.”

[Deception]

WOW. sums this up in one word, but this is worth more than one word, the flow is dead to the point, lots of imagery and good vocab, sorta flowed like a story emerging the reader with feelins and images. deffinatley stuck to the topic im sure you would have won even if the other guy did post a verse. overall a dope verse.

keep droppin i like your style. peace

[QwarterZ]

this was actually pretty good I was feeling the whole vibe and the build up of this piece...really weird in a way..I think its how you toyed with the mechanics that got me very smooth flow and the lyrics stood out which helped the emotion...the beginning felt kinda bumpy to me but it didnt take away from what you had going so far nice work my dude...keep it up

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[The Man]

This piece makes me go

[Momeijah]

This was dope, was it u that died at the end ? I think it's clear but maybe I missed something lol.

Overall it was good I like ur imagery and the way u word things like:

As we rolled my life flashed fast past my inner eye's sight,
'till it froze on a vivid image of my folks present fright.

^Probably my favourite bar in the whole thing. Flow and rhymescheme were weird but I've read enough of ur shit to know that it's ur style. Keep it up though I really enjoy reading ur verses.

[Kau the Lion]

I awoke perplexed, vexed to be at rest in a hospital berth.
In the next room I heard the doctor as he spoke of death.
I felt the hex of hopeless, potent, as it soaked within,
knowin' the collision musta killed one of my kin.

To be or not to be. I'm gonna go with not. Removing "to be" would uncrowd that first line with out sacrificing clarity. Also, for some reason when I read this I insert the word "own" right before kin. So, I guess that's the only other thing I can critique about that. Put the word own before kin. My own kin. Other wise this was perfect.

<flashback> Last night, as my family and I were on our ride home,
some drunk guy struck my blind side with his Rolls.
As we rolled my life flashed fast past my inner eye's sight,
'till it froze on a vivid image of my folks present fright.
I was livid and rivers of tears flowed from the windows of my soul,
then my spark a' life's glow withered and the dark took hold. </flashback>

The fifth line here has a few too many syllables and it threw off the flow just a wee bit. Maybe change the last part to "my soul's windows." All the rhyme. Half the syllables. Rather than put the word <flashback> at the beginning I would use some kind of font change. Like italics. Or a slightly different color. My first inclination was to read that as part of the verse, know what I mean.

I will never forgive him who did this if my fam dies,
I wanna sever the life of that damn devil in disguise.
I slowly rise to get upright, but no one's here to hold my hand,
so I bite my upper lip and fight the pain I'm up against to stand.
I hobble to the open door and step into the corridor,
but I can't keep my balance, so I fall and hit the floor.

Nothing bad to say about this part. It moves the story along enough and the rhymes and flow good as well.

Then my gramps hand reaches down to hoist me up,
he holds me in a hug while his voice expresses love.
Then he steps back, looks into my eyes with a melancholy vast,
and in anguish he then tells me he had caused the crash.
Love and hate mix as his words jab my heart like a fist.
I can't take this! So I limp away, my heart ripped from my chest.

A powerful turn in the story! I like where you went with this. Third line, once again, felt too long. I would replace melancholy with sad. It's simpler and in a way elementary compared to the word melancholy (and I know you are known for using a good vocab) but I think it helps the rhyme and flow so much more.

In the room to the left, there's my mother layin' stiff,
so I lunge to her side but she's as silent as death.
I scream in a fret, but then I see a single tear manifest,
followed by a solemn stream pourin' out with every breath.
I lay my head in her hands to try to ease her pain,
then she gasps, opens her eyes, and calls out my name.

Third line again. Probably removing two words would do it with out turning the sentence into nonsense. Maybe "then I" or "I see" and add an "s" to manifest.

I hear a quiet foot step into the room,
an exhale, then a voice spoke in a reverent tone,
“I'm sorry ma'am but there's nothing we could do,
neither your son nor your dad suffered and they aren't alone.”

Excellent ending. Your story was amazing throughout and this really put the button on it.

Overall, you made good use of vocab to paint a vivid picture in the readers mind. The pace moved along nicely and was consistent all the way through. My only qualm was that you tend to crowd some of your lines here and there. Presumably to keep from removing certain words. I noticed that (aside from the last part) you generally had a 14-15 syllable scheme going on but then some of your lines would stretch to 16 or even 17 syllables and it would throw the flow off for me.

Anyway, keep up the good work.

[IntrinsicCadence]

Appreciate the feed ya'll, truly. And @Dom, yes it was me who died, but not really at the end, I was dead the whole time through, so was my gramps...