Hip Hop Forum

[align=center]A Skitso Who's going Thru Some Tough Times With His Girl..lol..




Diaster Comes In a Beautiful Form...
So That Person You Call Lover Might Get You To Feel Torn...



Dear,Split Personality
..Hey It's Freddy
My Depressions Gettin Heavy & My Mind Aint Steady
My Thoughts R Seemin Deadly My Own Hands Might Dead Me
Plus My Lifes Already Molded Like Tha Grill Of a Chevy...
I Got a Girlfriend Who I Consider My Life...
We Alright But I'm Never With Her At Night....
One Night I Ran Inta Her..& Couldn't Succeed With The Intager..
It Didn't Add Up
Her Hair Was So Messie She Didn't Care Ta Address Me...
Plus She's Labeled a ADDICT Compared Ta a Sex FREAK!..
I'm Angry & Can't Deal With This Pain i'm Feeling Insane...
I Need Some1 To Help...
Write Back If Your Feeling The Same..[/align]

[align=center]Kevin :

Dear , Freddy Are you Certain? Numerous Plots are Emergin..
In My Head you Down?..I Say We Tape ya girl & Behead Tha Clown...
This is Funny ..Hit This Honey..That. Bitch is Scummie...
better yet! take some Barb wire..& Car Tires....Roll Her Down A Hill..
"On Todays News....'We've Found a Grill!'...
Man Forget That...Set Back Make Her Cum Then Kill Her & Make Wet Tracks
Don't feel Sad Or Feel Bad Let That Dumb Bitch Get you Real Mad...
I Won't Write Back Till You Get On The Right Track!..Tonight Whack..
Her In The Face..The Chicks A Waste..Push Her Win Pipes Back!...


Knock Knock Knock...


Freddys girl -

Hey Babe! How you Doing??
I Thought you Were Snoozin
It's 12 How are Still Movin???...


Freddy -
I've Been Cruisin..Thinkin..Your Not For Me...
Just a Tragic Story...


Freddy Walks away...


His Girl -
FREDDY STOP.. don't ignore Me!...


His Girl -
Baby Come On Let's not Fight a Sec!

Freddy -
I'ma Grab This Knife you Made my a Life a Wreck..

Freddy -
My friend said Don't Talk it Out Till I Slice Ya Neck...[/align]


.......

The way i judge a piece like this if its good or not is too see if it affected me.
And this sure as hell did.
It's in your face, violent and graphic.
I think you've really caught the perspective of a person suffering from Split Personalities.
It kinda finished abruptly, would've wanted to see it longer.
But damn . This hit me.
The flow fell off like once or twice but who cares, and some lines didnt make sense, seemed forced like:

Barb wire..& Car Tires....Roll Her Down A Hill..
"On Todays News....'We've Found a Grill!'..

But that doesn't matter either.
When you can tell a story like this, i don't think the technicalities really matter.
Would've been better if it didnt end so sudden.

8/10.
Props.

sick kid really Sik..

Thanks For The Feed Raiza & Tre...

And Raiza... Barb Wire & Car Tires... Tie To The Wheel With Barb Wire..

I Didn't Feel Like Makin It Go For a While ...Just Writin Different Pieces Right now.

Thanks For The Feed guys.

This Shit Was Kinda Crazy ..
Lol ..
But it Was a Good Read Props ..
U Should Drug it Out into a Longer Story Tho ..
& Got More indepth Wit it ..
it Was Juss Wam Bam Thank U Ma`am Type Shit ..
But i Still Like it Tho .. Lol ..

That Endin Was Crazy Tho! ..
Like .... Wow .. Lol
Kinda Harsh ..
Juss "Fuck U Bitch Die!" .. Lol
But Good Shit ..

|.R.SON.aLL.| wrote:This Shit Was Kinda Crazy ..

it Was Juss Wam Bam Thank U Ma`am Type Shit ..
.

I think thats what adds to the effect because it's so quick and like
BAM! i think thats what makes it an enjoyable read

yeah this was pretty good haz. like someone above said it could of got more in depth and the abrupt ending kinda ruined it i thought. im definitly feelin this centred text especially for scripts. i seen a couple people do that and it seems to make the verse read smoother. anyway the story itself was straight. your definitly improving as a writer

Uppin For feed

Bro, I thought that was a nice drop, great concept and built nicely. Could have gone for another couple verses saying the same shit, though the length, in my opinion, was perfect for the story.
Cheers.

ok you guys arent giving him real feed so im going to do the honors..the story was to predictable first off..your imagery had its up and downs and didnt really give me a good image of what was going on until the middle..try cutting up some of your bars to make what your saying fit..and re word some of this a litle bit and you should be good..but a topical is suppose to have a creative start and a creative ending..not saying this wasnt creative its just it was..very easy to tell what the ending was going to come up as..

keep it up Haz.

GOOD LOOKS L.
you Know I Love The Broken Down feed..