Hip Hop Forum

good read..
sound like it should be wit tha poetry ish..
true shit?
you done been thru some thangs, huh?

'sal good ... keep bangin

hot shit man i enjoyed the read some real shit

$.@MB!T!0N.$ wrote:

Theres No Vacation For This Pain
Its Explores My Vains & Tours My Brain
This is Life With No Support To Gain
The Torture Drains Me Of Bright Days

Decent.

So I X Out Seein Thru Situations
And Never Site Rays, Night Plays
A Big Role In The Vibes
That I'm Holding Inside
Like a Tolken Of Pride
Expect It Folds In a Ride

What folds in the ride man? Your pride folds in the ride of life, that is too complicated for something that is suppose to be simple.

My Adolescent Crys Stay
Forgive Me 4 What i Say
But My Lifes Been Jumpy Before
You Tried To Jump Out On The Highway

I like that line. Expanding on that highway of life/relationship metaphor, that I like.

Theres Nothin 2 Come in Treason With
Fallz Were R Fall The Seasons Fit
The Coldest Times Were in Season Quick
I Remember Not Neeeding Shit Cus Bein Poor
Was So Normal It Was Like Bein Rich..

The punch was my favorite part.

You Were Robbed Consistently
You Were Robbed Of Dignity
Your Sharp Pain Diged In Me
As i Saw My Own More Vividly

Dope. I love the imagery.

It Was Never a Made Mistake
To Take Your Pain So You Could Take a Break
You Were The Punching Bag i Was The Speed..
& Quick To Take The Swings Cus You Loved ya Seed

Nah.

Comfort Is What a Motha Need's Not 1 Day Cards
That Otha's Feed As a Tolken Of Their Care
My Prescense Was Detected By You Knowing I Was There
I Was Clueless About My Nightmares Music
I Stood Right There Confused This Image
Flushed Thru Me Like Sewige..When i Told U
About It You Said I Was Stupid...

Not the sewage line again, that really ruins the atmosphere of the drop.

Till One Car Ride U Told Me The Truth
N It Blew Me Away Slowly Like Flutes..
The Feelin In My Jaw's A Strain
That Couldnt Get Numb With The Rawest Cane

Yes. That could have been slightly more dope if you had more bars to stretch that description.

I Sat There As a Baby While 2 Men Caused ya Pain
i Played The "Stay Calm Script" As i Made a Promise

Flipping yourself is always good.

To Make Their Live's Ugly Like The Shade Of Vomit
Then i Realize Time's a Plow.. "I'll Never Find Them Now"
So Guilt is in My Routine..It Moved Into My Seen
And The Little Man In My Head is Beggining To Scream..
I Look Back At My Past & See The Reddest Eye's
I Put Um To The Side its Like the Deads Alive

Oh, that's a sick line.

..U Always Made It a Priority To Make Sure i Got It Straight
When Really U Were Ventin Thru a Psycotic Break

Oh, that is an ill rhyme.

you Insane Bastard Beatin Me Blue Like Luis Armstrong
Not Knowing To Harm's Wrong While i Noted Each Arms Song
I Even Witnessed you Trying To Take a Life
With a Phone Cord you Tried To Shape Her Pipes..
it Was Soo Common Like Paper Stripes
you Werent a Good Guy Or The Good Type..
Finally i Feel Right
Good Bye Good Night ..

I wasn't feeling the end.

Once again, the story stays pretty consistent, some real dope lines, I actually thought this drop was solid all around. It maybe could have been thought out slightly better. I didn't get done reading it with one point thing that I could definitely take away from it, that is a slight problem, it was a complicated drop.

Overall. 8.5/10

I can tell you put a lot of work into this, it was just a bit rough around the edges.

Alright.. Thanks Homie..
it's Like Kind Of Supposed To Be Disguised Cus it's My Life Feel Me..

Ty For The Feed

O Yeah .. The Highway Thing Wasnt a Meta LoL Someone Tried To Commit Suicide infront Of me when i was young

Ok. I get it.

$.@MB!T!0N.$ wrote:

Theres No Vacation For This Pain
Its Explores My Vains & Tours My Brain
This is Life With No Support To Gain
The Torture Drains Me Of Bright Days
So I X Out Seein Thru Situations
And Never Site Rays, Night Plays
A Big Role In The Vibes
That I'm Holding Inside
Like a Tolken Of Pride ---> id change this to token of pride
Expect It Folds In a Ride ---> a token so big it cant even fit in the ride?
My Adolescent Crys Stay --> right here on standby
Forgive Me 4 What i Say --> and what i mean. bye
But My Lifes Been Jumpy Before --> but hey
You Tried To Jump Out On The Highway > great line
Theres Nothin 2 Come in Treason With > great line
Fallz Were R Fall The Seasons Fit > great line
The Coldest Times Were in Season Quick > great line
I Remember Not Neeeding Shit Cus Bein Poor
Was So Normal It Was Like Bein Rich..
You Were Robbed Consistently
You Were Robbed Of Dignity
Your Sharp Pain Diged In Me
As i Saw My Own More Vividly
It Was Never a Made Mistake
To Take Your Pain So You Could Take a Break
You Were The Punching Bag i Was The Speed..
& Quick To Take The Swings Cus You Loved ya Seed
Comfort Is What a Motha Need's Not 1 Day Cards
That Otha's Feed As a Tolken Of Their Care
My Prescense Was Detected By You Knowing I Was There
I Was Clueless About My Nightmares Music
I Stood Right There Confused This Image
Flushed Thru Me Like Sewige..When i Told U
About It You Said I Was Stupid...
Till One Car Ride U Told Me The Truth
N It Blew Me Away Slowly Like Flutes..
The Feelin In My Jaw's A Strain
That Couldnt Get Numb With The Rawest Cane
I Sat There As a Baby While 2 Men Caused ya Pain
i Played The "Stay Calm Script" As i Made a Promise
To Make Their Live's Ugly Like The Shade Of Vomit
Then i Realize Time's a Plow.. "I'll Never Find Them Now"
So Guilt is in My Routine..It Moved Into My Seen
And The Little Man In My Head is Beggining To Scream..
I Look Back At My Past & See The Reddest Eye's
I Put Um To The Side its Like the Deads Alive
..U Always Made It a Priority To Make Sure i Got It Straight
When Really U Were Ventin Thru a Psycotic Break
you Insane Bastard Beatin Me Blue Like Luis Armstrong

Not Knowing To Harm's Wrong While i Noted Each Arms Song
I Even Witnessed you Trying To Take a Life
With a Phone Cord you Tried To Shape Her Pipes..
it Was Soo Common Like Paper Stripes
you Werent a Good Guy Or The Good Type..
Finally i Feel Right
Good Bye Good Night ..

its good im pressed for time atm so i didnt get to really look at all of it but what i did read was good. i put some comments up there on some possible changes and my fav lines. good job though keep dropping ill come back and finish my crit later if possible.