key 3 critique please

[trubblecleff]

i dont usually spit heat i prefer to recite passion
but ill burn a verse like im the last dragon
im what happened when we became culturally adapted
caynt help i like the baggy saggin crooked hat and do rag and baby blue fubu and southpole classic
cant help i wan ride in a lac chrome 22's for the shoes 2 15's blastin
trick daddy rappin on a tupac classic closest folk crackin jokes in the backseat laughin
babygirl ridin shotgun while were cruisin through traffic
actin like a mac braggin bout the dough i roll and the cheese i stack
so much lettuce the bread just gives u a head rush
then to make her laugh
i let her know i work at a sub shack

[QwarterZ]

I think this would be dope
if it wasn't written like a poetry piece
I mean I thought the rhymes were goin' to be dope
and they were, it's just hard decipherin' it
very slick stuff tho', with work you can be dope my dude
keep writing!

[trubblecleff]

noted appreciate the reponse

[MOEstradamus]

i dont usually spit heat
i prefer to recite passion
but ill burn a verse
like im the last dragon
im what happened
when we became culturally adapted
caynt help i like the baggy saggin
crooked hat and
do rag and
baby blue fubu and southpole classic
cant help i wan ride in a lac
chrome 22's for the shoes
2 15's blastin
trick daddy rappin on a tupac classic
closest folk crackin jokes in the backseat laughin
babygirl ridin shotgun while were cruisin through traffic
actin like a mac braggin bout the dough i roll and the cheese i stack
so much lettuce the bread just gives u a head rush
then to make her laugh
i let her know i work at a sub shack

ok flow was a bit choppy here and there i mean your set up is better than before but you still need some work check this

try using a set up like

ima use a's and b's and c's as the rhyming words look try a set up like this

a,b
a,b
b,c
b,c

You dont wana FIGHT(A), so you best step BACK(B)...
or ima take ya LIFE(A), with this next hot RAP(B)//

and a matter of FACT(B), you should never lie to ME(C)...
before your left wit BLACK(B), yea with no eye to see(C)//

i mean you can do it a different way you can do anyway you feel best you feel me..

you can try

an easer way to get started

try a,a,a,b,b,

step off kid i know you dont wana FIGHT(A)...
cuz ill take the 45 to ya dome and take ya LIFE(A)//

you wont see the LIGHT(A), your be left in BLACK(B)...
for ever thinkin you have a chance to beat my RAPS(B)//

thats a FACT(B), theres no way you can lie to ME(C)...
cuz this bright flow will leave you with no eye to SEE(C)//

you can try it that way i mean do what you think will make you better just see if these styles may help you

[Munteskue_lol]

I prefer this style.. ya know? Like old rap... but that's just me.. its' like:

Trubblecleff- lookin in his wallet but theres nothing left
He spends his summers stressed at a sub shop makin subs the best
They say hes paid by the hour then what the fuck is a monthly check
So he stays in the shower with his girl gettin that bubble sex
double XL wrappin trojans like a covenant
Cummin quick...

etc.

So I guess in the form xtaci was sayin it's... a,a,a,a,b,a,b,a,a,a,a

That's just me though...

[trubblecleff]

i understand and appreciate what yall r sayin dont know if ill try to follow a formula to much with the key drops but i will make sure to pay attention on the ones that i intend to use. love the real feedback instead of people just talkin shit. its these kinda replies i feel will help me get better thanks much

p.s. catch lol

[Munteskue_lol]

haha had to do it man