Hip Hop Forum

meh felt like writting ...


Freestyle

you can blame it me nigguhz .. blame it on mah swagger
i'm seeing more cheese than a Green Bay Packer
got more bitches than yah boy hugh hefner
from the same cloth, but a whole different texture
save me dah lectures, i know this ain't mah dopest shit
but mah talent more clear than a hundred focused pics
and i got kilos ... and whole lotta weaponry
chrome in couch Cushion, if a snitch wanna mention me
whole lotta peep holes ... got couple traps set
and i got extra clips, stashed in dah Back rest
you can find me on the corner.......
chillin wid mah Goon Squad
only written this, cuz they brought out them new cops
they wanna roll up on a nigguh, rob-em of they product
got mah ear to the curb, i know where they were brought up
so fear what you heard main, this ain't no fucking gossip

not mu cup of tea.

but it was dope.
makes me wanna shuffle threw some old twista and Midwest Mobstaz comps.

whole lotta peep holes ... got couple traps set
and i got extra clips, stashed in dah chairs Back rest
you can find me on the corner.......
chillin wid mah Goon Squad
only written this, cuz they brought out them new cops

first line was tight, sounds like my crib, i'm paranoid


good flow bro

Aight, since this has only had one reply, I'm going to break it down bar by bar and give you my look on things...

Quix wrote:meh felt like writting ...


Freestyle

you can blame it me nigguhz .. blame it on mah swagger
i'm seeing more cheese than a Green Bay Packer

Ive seen more lines about cheese and Greeen Bay than you could imagine, and this one was far from the most original. Not a good opening line bro.

Quix wrote:got more bitches than yah boy hugh hefner
from the same cloth, but a whole different texture

I see where you are going with this, but the first couple times I read it, I was like "Damn, I think I would want to be the same texture as Hugh lol". Kinda took away from this bar for me.

Quix wrote:save me dah lectures, i know this ain't mah dopest shit
but mah talent more clear than a hundred focused pics

Alright, this is more like it. If it helps you to misspell words and shit, thats cool, but I think as a reader, it takes away from the verse man. I just makes people focus too much on the stuff that shouldnt matter.

Quix wrote:and i got kilos ... and whole lotta weaponry
chrome in couch Cushion, if a snitch wanna mention me

Really this is just filler to me. And under the couch cushion seems more realistic.

Quix wrote:whole lotta peep holes ... got couple traps set
and i got extra clips, stashed in dah Back rest

Following the previous bar. This one is a little bit more like it.

Quix wrote:you can find me on the corner.......
chillin wid mah Goon Squad
only written this, cuz they brought out them new cops

Ummm? No, man... YOu should re-think this line completely.

Quix wrote:they wanna roll up on a nigguh, rob-em of they product
got mah ear to the curb, i know where they were brought up
so fear what you heard main, this ain't no fucking gossip

Not sure exactly why you ended this with just a half a bar, and it started to seem like you were going to stick with a topic and follow thru with it, but then you just suddenly stopped. I think you need to keep at it and work on your lines and delivery more. You should also check into working on a specific topic to help you improve how the reader takes in your material, and it should help you bring your verse more to life. Keep ya head up and keep at it. Ill be looking for more from you in the future.

really?? umm thanks newby!


would you have liked it better if i bit a Jayz hook and put it at the end??

This surely was a freestyle, I'll look at it in that context.

Quix wrote:meh felt like writting ...


Freestyle

you can blame it me nigguhz .. blame it on mah swagger
i'm seeing more cheese than a Green Bay Packer



got more bitches than yah boy hugh hefner
from the same cloth, but a whole different texture

[Not bad]

save me dah lectures, i know this ain't mah dopest shit
but mah talent more clear than a hundred focused pics

[I thought focused pics weren't clear because they are pixelated, if that were true, I'd rewrite that bar immediately]

and i got kilos ... and whole lotta weaponry
chrome in couch Cushion, if a snitch wanna mention me
whole lotta peep holes ... got couple traps set
and i got extra clips, stashed in dah Back rest

[The flow on these bars was cool]

you can find me on the corner.......
chillin wid mah Goon Squad
only written this, cuz they brought out them new cops
they wanna roll up on a nigguh, rob-em of they product
got mah ear to the curb, i know where they were brought up
so fear what you heard main, this ain't no fucking gossip

[ok]

I don't know who you were trying to channel with this. I'd rethink the approach, not my favorite piece from you at all. I have a feeling you will be coming a lot nicer in that tag team battle and this is almost like a mirage to throw them off.

Wow, this guy just called me a newb after I broke down his verse entirely. Seriously though, Im completely new to this shit and have no idea what Im talking about whatsoever. Really. What's a metaphor? Anyway, sorry my opinion wasnt agreed upon by you, Mr. Quix, so if you would like, I'll refrain from giving my opinion on anymore of your pieces. However, if you would like to constructively crit any of my posts, I would greatly appreciate it.

Oh, and fuck no, it wouldnt be better with a Jay Z hook. It would still be that same verse, with the same opinion, except with a Jay Z hook. Lol.

it was directed at the dude who posted just over you ... before he edited his post he said something along the lines of "that was whack"


so yeah, and i do appreciate the feed from ya'll...i know it mah best shit, but i was bored!