Hip Hop Forum

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-- Fri Sep 10, 2010 1:19 am --

Feel The Darkness Surround As I Pace Through These Veins
As He Puts The Needle Down Watch As I Alter His Mind State
He Feels The Adrenaline Flowing From This Chemical Thrill
As He Contentplates His Actions He Anticipates His Next Kill
Pacing These Streets Waiting For His Next Lonely Victim
These Silent Thoughts Enter He Remembers The Only Victim Is Him
Cos Every Armful Is Like Russian Roulette Without The Gun
No Fear Of The Reaper Cos His Soul Was Long Ago Gone
With No Family Around Him They Deserted Him The First Time
Trapping Him In This Nightmare Ever Since He Had His First Line
Now Iv Totally Ruined This Dudes Life As He Knew It
Start On His Heart Collapse His Lungs Leave His Body In Ruins
He's In Pain When He Inhales Feels Like Hes Swallowing Daggers
This Dude Cant Function Properly His Brain Feels Knackered
Clouding His Judgement He Feels Old His Whole Demour Is Hagard
Playing A Waiting Game Cos Silently This Shit Is Killing Him
His Family Pray That He'll Change But This Is A Battle He Aint Gonna Win
He's Embraced Death So Easily Cant Wait For His Soul To Be Free
Mind Sick Of This Poverty Bringing Him Down To A Whole New Level
Stealing From Family They Try To Change Him But Attempts Are Futile
Wont Listen To Reason Or Try To Heed Any Of There Advice
Im Poisoning His Brain So In His Eyes I Am His Entire Life
Sometimes I Can Feel The Torment And The Pain Within Him
But He Aint Going Stop This I Wont Let Him...Hi My Name Is Heroin

Dropping This Now Cause Probably Wont Be On Till Monday

Both of you's got some gooooood stories goin on here.

Orfadox- you use your words nicely, although the flow does fall off too often. Sometimes you seem to try to rhyme words that don't really rhyme ("knew-it/ruins), and at other times, especially in the second half you just seem to decide to not rhyme at all, and kind of forget the flow. Another thing, with this kind of topic I think a bit more imagery would have made it more effective. Overall though I enjoyed reading your story, and feel you got a lot of potential in your writing style.

Rugged- Your imagery is the highlight of what you've written here. It really brings your story to life. Your flow is consistent. You didn't follow Flip's guidelines for the topic exactly, as he said in your flow you should be the drug, not just the story of someone effected by drugs. But overall your story was dope as hell. You've definitely got some writing talent.

And the winner is...... Rugged Eros in all catergories (story, flow, imagery)

Ok i Have No Want To Break This Down Given The Fact im Very Tired....BUT... i think Both Grasped The Concept Well And Delivered The Topic. Orfadox Came With Good Imagination and Imagery.. Def From The Point Of View From The Drug It Self..... Touched On most Of The Bases Subjects Out Lined. Now Rugged is Just Over The Top With His Story.. Jus At A Different Level. Almost Feels Like A Poem.. Very Dark And Descriptive... i Think Both Got To The Nitty Gritty Of The Reality of What It Can Do... Also Shot For The Worse Drug And It Shows U Both Know What It Can Do To You... But In The End Rugged Delivered A Very DOPE Piece Considering The Pun... I Think This Should Not Be Slept On.... Vote R.E.

alright that makes 2-0 to rugged

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

-- Tue Sep 14, 2010 6:12 pm --

Upping For Votes

the flow of the story came off nicely when i read rugged's, not so much with you orfadox, it was still a decent read but it didn't paint the picture as smooth as i would've liked it, rugged also had some well punchlines, more poetic, and came off on a deeper level, orfadox u did pretty good as well compared to your other battle i enjoyed this more, however rugged definitely owned the topic

v:rugged