Hip Hop Forum

abysall freeze,the snow is falling,everyone heres moarning/
black suits hanging acustom, still the fatiged ones yawning//
as the body intrudes deep into the earths core,deep inside/
this a bona fide offer to the gods, waiting for tear to subside//
while the soul of the loved one escaped swirling into shades of light/
leaving the colours splitting stuck in the prism of the ever lasting life//
to shine on forever, stuck in this demondish cage, filled with pain and rage/
of the people stolen before, as god aint evil but the suffering he will assuage//
once the soul leaves this limbo, it goes into the deep valley of death/
a gauge in the heavens with no sound but that of the last mans dying breath//
filled to the brim with all types of feelings that linger gingerly/
the smells are thrown at you bitterly, leaving you there stood miserably/
line of sight doesnt run far, to canyon walls leading on for eternity/
not what is promised, no pearly gates of saint peter you await so deservidly//

posted this on netcees aswell just upped it here as was my last drop.

I liked this drop, though think it would have been better suited in the poetry forum. My biggest suggestion for improvement would be to start it off a little stronger, cuz honestly after the first bar or so I didn't think I was gonna like it, but then it started picking up and got better as it went on. I'd suggest adding in a couple bars to intro into it or something.
The rhyme scheme was decent, kinda basic, but looking at it as a poetry drop it fit its form well. The vocab was on point for the most part. Overall, this a nice drop. I'd like to read some more stuff from you, feel like you got a unique writing style that could create some real nice shit..

This was well-written but the flow was kind of off. It seemed like more of a poetic piece (as previously stated) than a rap. Not that that's a bad thing, I just don't see it sounding smooth if you were to spit it unless you were saying it as a poem.

There was some nice imagery in this piece but you could probably be a little more detailed in terms of adding some wordplay (this drop was also a good opportunity to introduce some thought thought-provoking metaphors to accentuate your storyline).

Overall, this was aite. Keep droppin and improvin.

It was like a joint, it was fun while it lasted, but I won't remember it two days from now. Keep writing my friend.

thanks for the feed guys

I Liked This Peice Had Some Nice Imagery In There Vocab Was Pretty Cool Too But As Mentioned Before It Read More Like A Poetry Peice...Anyway Nice Verse Keep Dropping Man

thanks orfadox, thats what im tryna improve my peices drop like poetry yet wen i flow it it sounds good. so i just need to learn to drop my usual sorta peices with some multis and make them flow to everyone

cheers

I agree with everyone here, basically, but we can take it one step further... You had great imagery, and a good concept for a written drop. No doubt that this had more of a poetic feel, but I can show you how to lose that, and keep you coming with tight drops like this has the potential to be. More than anything, I think you need to work on your internal rhyming to bring more of your flow out. Start with that, and we'll see what the next drop has in store. One.

cheers for the feed, ill try to write one with a differnt rhyme scheme later with internals in and see how it goes.

I'm a pro at internals.