Hip Hop Forum

These are the three verses (haven't written up the hook for it yet) for a track I'm doing together with one of drunken jesus's beats

Sometime next week I'm gonna figure out the hook and then get this recorded, but before I do that I thought I'd get some feedback on the verses, see what ya'll think. I know it's long, but read the whole thing damnit lol...

I'm ready with a flow to rock ya steady from the soul,
breakin' levees in ur dome- that'd block the heading already bestowed.
I'mma let the stream roam free 'till it reaches to it's home sea,
cuz I know where all these roads lead,

So I flow my music so fluid to illumine what I'm doin'
with my luminescence bloomin' in this new efflorescent movement.
I'm approaching- the messages I'm molding- with a lesson I'm extolling-
this is restitution of the soul b, so I'm pressin' on to hold dreams

as my essence in unfolding on the canvas as I flow free,
I continue floating like the planets, hoping my orbit encircles my life's force, damnit

I'm lettin' the rhythm hit em and every word that I'm spittin' is true.
I'm servin' this verbage with my certitude inserted in a certain view.
Cuz I'm livin' learnin' to imbue my fervent verses with Thee words of wisdom brewed,
mixin' the purpose I'm givin' you- with the catalyst I've conditioned to balance the scales of truth.

I've been granted a way to improve- and I'm spannin' from the planet to the dark side of the moon.
Cuz I'm wavin' the banner implanted wherever I'm standin',
from here to Saturn I'm tappin' the patterns and mappin' what matters.
My rappin's added a rung to the ladder that's leadin' me home

where I gather what's been scattered in the static of my soul.
With magnetic aesthetics and kinetic poetics I'm breakin' the ebb in ur flow,
and my habit is to mend the tattered fabric of the rhetoric you've known
cuz I'm severin' fetters and with every measure I endeavor to better my goals

I overstand the valleys that my life is livin' through,
and I know that maladies can tally up with every step we choose.
So I look beyond the finale to find the messages infused in lessons of life
cuz with every breath we loose, we draw nigh unto the death of time.

So I rest in rhyme, stretchin' out my thoughts to reach some peace of mind.
These'd be the reasons why- I'm believin' in the thief in the night,
cuz even if u ain't hearin' the subtle signs it don't mean he ain't arrived.
I've awakened, opened up my eyes, while these others sleep in sounds like silence

I'mma blast my music thunderous until u waken from the hibernation u all relish in.
I'm initiatin' an amelioration of fellowship, and not just for the hell of it.
I'm patiently pacin' the cell I'm in, tryin' to raise the bars that have held us in,
and until I reach the stars I'll be emblazonin' my art with rhythmic elements...

IntrinsicCadence wrote: I'm ready with a flow to rock ya steady from the soul,
breakin' levees in ur dome- that'd block the heading already bestowed.

The flow in this is dope, vocab is great, I mean this is an awesome way to open a verse. Great, great job here.

I'mma let the stream roam free 'till it reaches to it's home sea,
cuz I know where all these roads lead,
So I flow my music so fluid to illumine what I'm doin'
with my luminescence bloomin' in this new efflorescent movement.

More of the same. I like how you blended your bars together here, never losing any of the flow, keeping some internal rhyming. Nicely done.

I'm approaching- the messages I'm molding- with a lesson I'm extolling-
this is restitution of the soul b, so I'm pressin' on to hold dreams

The hold dreams, depending on how it's said, might make the multi fall off slighty here, but I don't think you would have included it unless you liked how it flowed. The soul b part doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of your style on this piece, though.

as my essence in unfolding on the canvas as I flow free,
I continue floating like the planets, hoping my orbit encircles my life's force, damnit

I like how you closed this verse out.
................
I'm lettin' the rhythm hit em and every word that I'm spittin' is true.
I'm servin' this verbage with my certitude inserted in a certain view.
Cuz I'm livin' learnin' to imbue my fervent verses with Thee words of wisdom brewed,
mixin' the purpose I'm givin' you- with the catalyst I've conditioned to balance the scales of truth.

True/truth.... Eh.... I like the internal rhyming, the flow, and the constant hitting with syllables in this. You did a good job with that.

I've been granted a way to improve- and I'm spannin' from the planet to the dark side of the moon.
Cuz I'm wavin' the banner implanted wherever I'm standin',
from here to Saturn I'm tappin' the patterns and mappin' what matters.
My rappin's added a rung to the ladder that's leadin' me home
where I gather what's been scattered in the static of my soul.
With magnetic aesthetics and kinetic poetics I'm breakin' the ebb in ur flow,
and my habit is to mend the tattered fabric of the rhetoric you've known
cuz I'm severin' fetters and with every measure I endeavor to better my goals

This entire section is dope as fuck IMO, but I thought it would have been much cooler for you to tie in the intergalactical with the scientific terms on that last bar somehow. Still, the internal rhyming, pace of flow, vocabulary, metaphors, wordplay... It's all there. Good shit fam.
.......................
I overstand the valleys that my life is livin' through,
and I know that maladies can tally up with every step we choose.

IMO, this is the worst bar of the piece, although I really dig how you said I over-stand the valleys...

So I look beyond the finale to find the messages infused in lessons of life
cuz with every breath we loose, we draw nigh unto the death of time.
So I rest in rhyme, stretchin' out my thoughts to reach some peace of mind.
These'd be the reasons why- I'm believin' in the thief in the night,
cuz even if u ain't hearin' the subtle signs it don't mean he ain't arrived.
I've awakened, opened up my eyes, while these others sleep in sounds like silence
I'mma blast my music thunderous until u waken from the hibernation u all relish in.
I'm initiatin' an amelioration of fellowship, and not just for the hell of it.
I'm patiently pacin' the cell I'm in, tryin' to raise the bars that have held us in,
and until I reach the stars I'll be emblazonin' my art with rhythmic elements...

At the beginning of this last section, you seem to waver from your angle of attack in the last two verses, but then you kind of come around back into it. I liked the content and how you stayed with the topic, but that gave it a different feel as I read it.


Over-all I really dug your approach to this, how your internal rhymes, multi's flowed, and how you pounded out the syllables with the vocabulary that you used. Interested to see what kind of a hook you would put with this. Good job Cadence.