Hip Hop Forum

12-16 Lines
Due 72 Hours
Topic - Your On The Titanic




Check

Being Awoken From My Slumber By Crys That We Going Under
The Cold Air Hits And I Shudder,Crashes Echo Like Thunder
I Jump From My Bunk Head On Out There To Investigate
I Stop With Shock And Awe A Bad End To The Best Of Days
Only Hours Earlier I Was Enjoying Watching The Sunset
Now Theres Darkness Which Brings Carnage And Death
Still Not Quite Sure How All Of This Managed To Happen
Try To Find Out But Everyones Running Round Panic Stricken
Hear The Pleas For Women And Children To Come Forward
As I Try To Approach Im Shoved Back By A Man Shouting Orders
All Becomes Clear As I Reach The Tip Of This Magnificent Ship
I See White Looking Rocks And Figure It Must Of Been An Iceberg We Hit
It Suddenly Occurs To Me There Arent Enough Lifeboats For All To Survive
I Recoil In Horror As It Hits Me This Is Probably The Day That Il Die
I Step Forwards Towards The Edge And Look Into The Icy Depths Below
I Take A Breath And Dive My Final Resting Place Is With The Titanic...I Didnt Even Want To Go

-- Sat Mar 19, 2011 11:59 am --

Is This Belt Mine Due To No Show?

first off, to both verses. awesome awesome pictures painted on both ends. this is pretty tough on this one. each one was different in its own way, even though it was on the same topic. ill start with orf's verse.

great imagery. flow was on point througout the whole peice. i could picture your whole verse in my mind. every line fit perfectly with the next. near perfect verse man.

rugg:

like orf's, awesome imagery. your flow was jus a taaaaad bit better. i could spit it out aloud easier. i like how you described the whole situation, not just the iceberg crash. you kinda crammed the whole 3 hr movie into 16 bars which is what i think did it for me. nice job dawg.


now for the cats.

Flow- Rugg (by just a liiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit like i mentioned)

material- Tie, just because you both layed that shit down.

enjoyment- Tie, like i said, each was dope in its own way.

BOTH of you killed this shit perfectly. but rells verse jus was a lil easier to flow. im an audio dude so thats really what i focus on. i never tap into the text grounds, but im sure glad i peeped this shit. dope job fellas.

oh yea,


mvgt: Rellik. by a hair.

Thanks for the vote loon first time i seen you in the text grounds man so appreciate it

word ussage was nice in both verses
but like loon pointed out Rellik realy told the complete story
I liked that about this verse as well
and it was also filled with some nice quotables
that made it more creative for me

This wasn't a fake love story, this was a true life drama//
Unsinkable instruments faded under a moon light sonata//

this is pure genious if you asked me
nice composition and painted a vivid picture for me to see
my vote has to go to Rellik on this one

Vote= Rellik

Being Awoken From My Slumber By Crys That We Going Under
The Cold Air Hits And I Shudder,Crashes Echo Like Thunder
The Echo like thunder is a hard ass line Orf.
I Jump From My Bunk Head On Out There To Investigate
I Stop With Shock And Awe A Bad End To The Best Of Days
Only Hours Earlier I Was Enjoying Watching The Sunset
Now Theres Darkness Which Brings Carnage And Death
Although i like the idea of retrospect, it kind of felt out of place right here.
Still Not Quite Sure How All Of This Managed To Happen
Try To Find Out But Everyones Running Round Panic Stricken
Hear The Pleas For Women And Children To Come Forward
As I Try To Approach Im Shoved Back By A Man Shouting Orders
All Becomes Clear As I Reach The Tip Of This Magnificent Ship
I See White Looking Rocks And Figure It Must Of Been An Iceberg We Hit
So are you a woman or chirld? And waht Orders was he yelling out? or was he yelling ORDER, as in the punctuation in your piece is out of order.
It Suddenly Occurs To Me There Arent Enough Lifeboats For All To Survive
I Recoil In Horror As It Hits Me This Is Probably The Day That Il Die
I Step Forwards Towards The Edge And Look Into The Icy Depths Below
I Take A Breath And Dive My Final Resting Place Is With The Titanic...I Didnt Even Want To Go
Well, I like the closer, but i think for a title battle it could have ended better, a not so stereo-typical out. I did enjoy the read, but i feel you would benifit from commas. I had to re read a few lines to find the pause.

A madan voyage, made appointed for a 3 day deployment//
Space of ornate noises made by taste & swank enjoyment//
This wasn't a fake love story, this was a true life drama//
Unsinkable instruments faded under a moon light sonata//
Up until this point, the multies were on point, but nothing really memorable. Until you wrote "Unsinkable instruments faded under a moon light sonata//" A fucking awesome piano piece at that.
Persona grata as they unlatched n' put the map in motion//
A Captain's chosen, ample spoken, "at last we're going!"//
Champagne glass is flowing, men in the blackest clothing//
Ladies flash dazzle golden, open slits, backs are showing//
Dancing, holding hands like touch sedates a magic potion//
But with one fatal crash, angels splash, the path is frozen//
you described nicesly the beautiful atmosphere, but the crash was brought on rather sudden. Maybe a not so pinnacle evaporater, but a river and waterfall would have worked better, if that makes any sence.
Goosebumps spread, laughs are stolen, a tragic notion//
An ice-berg broke the Titanic open, put a gigantic hole in//
Women n' children reach from the life boats they have to go in//
Men stay back, candle's soak in the un-attached emotion//
Titanic becomes a castle coasting into the blackest open//
Sinking into the coldest hole... the heart of the Atlantic Ocean//
Everything on point. Holy hell nice wording on description. But it just ended? NOooooo!!! I liked it man, but the ending was rough. Maybe the line legnth problem.

All in all, my vote goes for Cory. Good job both of you, but Cory just came nicer with his wording and descriptions.