Hip Hop Forum

Not kidding, so that's why it may sound a bit corny Here it goes:

I take a look into the mirror
See myself getting older than I wanna be
I sit back and think of times when I felt free
I was a kid with big dreams, you see
And thinking they would all come true so easily
Nah, I couldnt be more wrong
Now Im sittin in a deep hole, writing this song
My dreams are long gone
Now I just dream bout a life
where gettin outta my bed every day doesn't feel like a fight

But im still dreaming,
That one day something will come free me
From this darkness hunting me down, making me drown in fear, so hope, Please dont leave me
The chaos in my head makes me wish that I was dead
But I would never do a thing that I may later regret
Im not going anywhere, not giving in for the fear
The beast inside can't break me, I'll always be here

Just want some feedback since this is my first so....how bad is it?

thanks for the feedback! I'm just writing for fun really

anette87 wrote:Not kidding, so that's why it may sound a bit corny
Just want some feedback since this is my first so....how bad is it?

indeed this was prety basic
but for a basic text
you grasped a lot of the fundamentals needed for a good text

my advice is to keep your bar lenght more even
cause when you record you would go offbeat
if your bars arn't matching in lenghts
and try to practise on making wordplays
and using more indepth imagery at first
and than start trying to fit in multis in your text

those are my pointers for now

Thanks for the tips! English isnt my first language so need to improve my vocabulary a bit I think hehe.
Is this a tad better?:
Feels so awkward when I open my mouth and try to rhyme
feelin like a fatso at mcdonalds without a dime
But being bad at rhyming has never been a crime
So shut it all you haters, you sound more bitter than a lime
so you pros better take your time and gimme some advice
before you know it I'll be dropping rhymes like vanilla ice

My Advice Is Pick A Topic And Stick To It Make Your Whole Song About That Topic Dont Let A Line Stray From Topic...From There You Should Pick Up Imagery Which Paints The Picture And Try To Get More Ryhming Words Into A Line

Thanks a bunch everyone really appreciate it

you're welcome
what orfadox said is also a good pointer
and I recommend listening to the latest rap
to get a clearer picture of
what kind of level most rappers are on nowwadays

a few albums you might want to listen to are

Pharoahe munch - W.A.R. ( We Are Renegades )2011

Dumhi - everyones is watching 2011
Dumhi - The Jungle 2010

A.G. & J.D. - Dunkin donuts mixtape 2011

Wise Intelligent -Wise Intelligent Iz The Unconkable Djezuz Djonez 2011

and that's only to name a few of the best albums I realy like

hope you can download them and have a listen
otherwise I'll send you links if you need them
1

this was a real nice attempt..like rellik says though..it depends on what type of writer you wanna be...this has more of a poetry feel but it does have a decent cadence. the raw feeling and emotion was great but if you can try to word this same emotions more cleverly it would be really good...using multi-syllable rhymes is good too cause it adds substance to your lines...you have a nice base to start with it's just a matter of how much you want to improve

thanks so much thadevious1 and Grimm Gonna check out those albums!