Hip Hop Forum

Random ass verse I wrote for a friend's poem project:

Staring up at the stars to see the emptiest sky
standing up to the scars that be testing his time
grown like cattle just to be the next in this line
learning the hard way taught him true lessons in life
like the reasons why he shouldn't be with others
a boy at the age of twelve watching them beat his mother
enduring hard times seeking comfort in the dark night
trying to get away from this system called apartheid
and only tales from grown men around him with brown skin
tell stories of promised lands where beauty surrounds it
feeling nostalgic -- the memories are countless
with fields that stretched forever with huts not houses
he listens with longing for home, wanting to go
cause in every child the future remains a part of his soul.

------------------------------------
Trying to write at least once a day cause it's summer:

Yo if I got a dime everytime I dropped a flow
I'd be the richest man on the globe
with cash in pocketfuls
and I'm still looking for that pot of gold
and some pot to smoke
started off with rocking dope quotes
now I got a lot of new and old folks as my own clones
I wanna be commando like John Rambo
analyze the world in pieces like Van Gogh
become a legacy like Marlon Brando
and grab the music industry by its ankle
check it
I speak in higher sense of dialect
as I light that violet to get higher than a U2 pilot
I stay tireless you can see both my irises dilate
with rhymes I violate with violence
spending time in booths
trying to do what I've been dying to
hoping one of the inspired few
tells me "I admire you"
cause I wanna drop some knowledge and facts
before I go to college and back
I wanna show the younger kids what Hip-Hop is
before they all began calling it rap
cause "OG" means old generation not original gangsta
when it was real in streets before all the propaganda
taking trips down memory lane in your memory
but when this all ends you won't remember me.

Not sure if the second excerpt is something tied in or just a sig, but I'm diggin the first lil thing. Nice concept. Sorry people are sleeping on it.

loved it, very poetic and emotional, bad ass! great job

my fav lines;

like the reasons why he shouldn't be with others
a boy at the age of twelve watching them beat his mother
enduring hard times seeking comfort in the dark night


I wanna be commando like John Rambo
analyze the world in pieces like Van Gogh
become a legacy like Marlon Brando
and grab the music industry by its ankle

MonuMental wrote:Not sure if the second excerpt is something tied in or just a sig, but I'm diggin the first lil thing. Nice concept. Sorry people are sleeping on it.

Haha completely different verses man, the second one I just threw down. Maybe more people will peep it.

the first verse was really good. it had a good spoken word element about it and you had good rhyming to match it. it all went in together, the emotion was good, and the ending drew it all together. good work in this one.

the second verse isnt my thing. a self hype drop which doesent really have any topic and runs off the previous rhyme w/o actually having any direction. the rhymes felt a little struggled at times throughout it also.

the first shows the good side of your writting. using elements of poetry to tie a topic together. the second shows the bad side of your writting. combining a topicless drop and having no meaning either way. if you keep writing like your first, you will do really well in this.

Enjoyable read' Very poetic

This isn't bad, I liked it..keep it up

The first verse was really good. Not sure if the second was a part of it, so I didn't read it. The one thing I would work on, since your multis are on point and you have great all around lyricism and flow, is your use of imagery. For you to elevate, I would use sharper, more descriptive terms to really bring the reader to your paradigm and make them feel somethin like "oh shit... I know that feeling that he just wrote about."

Great feedback, I'll try to check up on it thanks.