Hip Hop Forum

Wake Up Not So Fresh,Stale Alcohol On My Breath And My Mind A Blur
Im Alive But Feel Like Death,Whats That Wrote On My Chest? What Did I Do With Her
My Brains Gone Blank,Not Sure How Much I Drank, Why Cant I Remember?
I Dont Know Who To Thank, For Feeling Like I Been Hit By A Tank,What Month We In? December?
I Cant Recall Much Of Last Night, Try As Hard As I Might, Nothing Is Coming Back
Did I Get Into A Fight,All I Know Is I Dont Feel Right,Something On The Bed..Whats That?
Looks Like A Used Condom,What The Fuck? Oh God! Who Was Here Last Night?
And Whos Is The Dog? That Just Decided To Lay A Log, This Shit Aint Right!
My Head Is Spinning, And I Just Cant Stop Yawning, Shit I Feel Rough
Check The Time Quick,Its Still Only 8 In The Morning,Think I Had To Many Sambucca
How Many Photos Have They Took, Cos I Got Notifications On Faceook,Do They Hold Any Clues
Call My Friend Said The Night Was Good,Would Agree If I Could,But I Dont Remember The First Few

this was strange the 2-1 2-1 flow kinda fucked up the overall flow of the piece, it may be a better worked lyrical structure if the bars were shorter like instead of

"Im Alive But Feel Like Death,Whats That Wrote On My Chest? What Did I Do With Her"

something like

i feel like death, whats that on my chest, what did i do with her

just by shortening the bars with less words it adds better flow

thats just my opinion tho, do you

but i like the out-of-the-box way you went about it

keep writting man

Pretty original, the way everything was structured. It does look like a lot to say every line though. Keep writing though, definetely.

Thanks For The Feed And Yeah I Agree Defiance Was Just Trying Out Something New

Can you leave some feedback on this? http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/persi ... 23964.html

was a little hard to follow as in structure wise unless the last rhyme of every line was intentional as in some one talking to themselves...


i love the thought behind the write thow was sick and i can DEFF. relate cuz i go threw a mind state of blurr a lot lmfaoo (not to be proud of)

wasn't too complex which i like cuz too much is nvr a good thing no matter whom you are... (woojibefon)"too much of something is nvr good for ya"



solid 9/10 imo only due to the length on the bars

This was a pretty cool piece bro...somewhat relatable
well...to the point you start doing that crazy shit?
but other then that this was a decent piece, the bars were kinda long
but regardless you did your thing brah

structure wise it was aiight, its flow was slacking tho due to the line length,
dope post tho man just shorten the lines for easier delivery.