Hip Hop Forum

whats up fellas, im new to the whole rap thing but been a poet for a while so tell me what you think.

cars in park, i bark, then tore open the door
2 guns in the back and my homie tore on the floor,
bitches talking bout him, and what they killed him for,
i pour out the coneyak and attack like i went back for more,
bullet hits, i stray back, my best friend was dead,
my hands felt wet..glance down, n they were red,
my hearts Feet deep, n slow motion creeps,
and if i remember correct, it twas the last night my heart beat,
No fear in theses eyes, im feeling like mr freeze,
cold heart, warm air for pain,
but at least he died quick,... bullet lodged in his brain
melted like heat to plastic,
knew they had a gun, but just thought they flash it....
people saying who was the man, but for some reason i didnt understand
cuz i thought every kids best friend was his dad?

Welcome illmadic, nice of you to share your rap start with us, Illest Lyrics.

As for your drop;

I liked the story man, structure can be worked better, but your lacking most in the complexity department. Not a bad thing, no one comes out the door writing like a god, so keep it up man, this is a good start into the rap field.

The Greeting:
Welcome to Illest, man. Glad to have you here.

The Piece:
I agree with Alvin, man. You have plenty of room for elevation, as does every artist, new or old. The concept of this piece was pretty cool. The only thing I'll tell you at this point is: Keep writing. Elevation is only attained through work. Keep em dropping.

thanks guys... trust me i will be working on it.
Much appreciated fellas

-- Wed Nov 16, 2011 4:53 pm --

this is a part 2 to what i just wrote. Feed back would be appreciated.

lets talk about complexity,
the bills, food and gas... is this a test for me,
im cracken up and breaking stuff,
im looking rough, but im bound and determined,
this shit is a nightmare, a ruthless disturbance,
a stuck on a jet feeling, with endlessness turbulence,
im done with recession, the bleeding is unbalanced,
its 3 dollars and 50 cents, for a fucking gallon,
my boy allen, lost everything but his life,
lost everything,... but his ability to write,
the ability to fight,
but he gets up and works 7 more, continuous, days and nights,
i need milk for the baby,
hoping the price dropped, hopefully just maybe,
the banks are wolves there all diseased by rabbis,
is this a curse, the ability god gave me,
im reaching out to you, please god save me,
im 18, i wish i was still in the backyard just playin,
i look in my wallet cuz the mortgage is due,
its like a home for the bats, and they just left too,
the bats where all i had, now im lonely and empty handed,
oh ya the worst news, my dad just died.....god dammit..

yea man def never quit, i fuck with this piece!
reminds me of Like toy soldiers
i always appreciate spittin from the heart
not writtens like a fart
welcome!

thanks man. much appreciated!

Yeah definite respect to both pieces. They do have a lot of lacks, we'll start postivie. You have some stories going instead of just going off with rhyming and you have some content, so that's definently something. It does lack lyrically and there is nothing about either that wouldnt be classed as basic, but this is def a solid foundation and it'll be good to see how you develop.

I agree with the other guys too...it is a good start,keep practising..and ul see how thingz juzt get pieced together much better in your stories...itz a long or short process,dependz on how determined and how much u work...

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