Hip Hop Forum

this is just some shit i wrote about me n my brother.
so just give me some feed back.




a few years ago i always used to look up to my brother/
i had his same mentality but i was just a lil bit younger/
my pops wasnt home or my mother/
so i understanded his grind,putin food on the table to maintain my hunger/
i used to come out of skool and see him infront of the building/
doing narcotic sales but not infront of the children/
i observed his game making money of the empire he was buildin/
i used to look out the window late at night, seein him smoking blunts drinkin liquer n gettin payed off the dice/
he said, he and his money will always stick together like beans n rice/
he handed me a cross n toled me evryday before i go to sleep to pray to jesus christ/
so i started to pray,days by days/
so one day i asked him why dosent he never got nothing to say/
he laughed at me and said,he only can hear u/
but if u stick with him u can feel him n he always will be near u/
he said never to be loved,but love when niggas fear u/
and he walked out the door/
in that moment i felt somethin weird in my heart but i wasnt shure/
unexplainable cuz it was buried in the core/
then i heard 5 shots,who would thought i was to see my brother lien on the floor/
in these harsh streets/
layin in a puddle of blood that slowly flowed on the concrete/
EMT tryed to save him but they just lossed him/
word on the streets was that his own man double crossed him/
what i learned, is what i was toled son/
that moment i knew i was gonna live by trusting no one/
staring at his picture,thinking bout why would he be the one dien
looking at a red sky thats cracked down the middle,with dead birds flyin/
i droped a tear on his casket, while staring over his coffin/
knowing that i wasnt gonna see him more often/
my heart froze turned into solid gold,and completely became cold,and i was only 12 yrs old/
now this is a true story thats never been toled/
as years went by i remained quit and silent/
who the fuck would of thought i would grow up to be so violent/
i still felt disgraced knowing that i will never see his face/
so i felt like i had to take his place/
now im the one hustlin infront of the building in the same spot selling pot/
smoking blunts n drinking liquer making gwop/
cuz he aint here i feel kind of disabled/
but now i got the responsibility of putting food on the table/
the day he left it was a great loss/
till this same day i pray on the same cross/
feeling the light penetratin in deeper/
feeling it in the air, i practicly could see the grim reaper/
knowing these niggas is out here to hate/
hopin i wont go in a early state/
but when i go, just meet me in pearly gates/


http://illestlyrics.com/board/post12177.html#12177

pretty ill story in this, some parts are better rhyme scheme wise and some other parts fell off with the scheme

this is probably the best shit you've posted on here, you're elevating slowly but steadily keep working on it homie

good looks my nigga,i kinda fell of in someparts but i was tryin to keep the story going in the same flow lol.

good story...i hope that aint true...its pretty fucked up....the rhyme scheme was on n off...some parts were nice some parts didnt rhyme all that much...but it still was a good read...best shit uve dropped....keep it up

evrything that happen in those rhymes is true.

Demented Mind wrote:evrything that happen in those rhymes is true.

sorry to hear dat man....so how old r u now then?

shit was a great read man, highlights of the verse were:

a few years ago i always used to look up to my brother/
i had his same mentality but i was just a lil bit younger/
my pops wasnt home or my mother/
so i understanded his grind,putin food on the table to maintain my hunger/
i used to come out of skool and see him infront of the building/
doing narcotic sales but not infront of the children/
i observed his game making money of the empire he was buildin/

he laughed at me and said,he only can hear u/
but if u stick with him u can feel him n he always will be near u/
he said never to be loved,but love when niggas fear u/

in these harsh streets/
layin in a puddle of blood that slowly flowed on the concrete/
EMT tryed to save him but they just lossed him/
word on the streets was that his own man double crossed him/
what i learned, is what i was toled son/
that moment i knew i was gonna live by trusting no one/

endin was dope to man, but those are the ones that stuck out and grabbed on to me.

sorry to hear that man, ima pray for yall.

but if u stick with him u can feel him n he always will be near u/
he said never to be loved,but love when niggas fear u/

feeling the light penetratin in deeper/
feeling it in the air, i practicly could see the grim reaper/

^prolly my favorite lines.

lyrically it could have been better, but sometimes the story supercedes the need for multis and what not. more multis could have helped it flow a little better. Sometimes it flowed well, and sometimes it feel off. I was kinda due to the wide variation of line length. But it was real and i felt the emotion, so to me it was a solid drop. As i said, sometimes the story is more important that making a lyrically masterpiece. But good drop man, and im sorry for your lose. stay up man and keep dropin.

"he laughed at me and said,he only can hear u/
but if u stick with him u can feel him n he always will be near u/ "

^ and remember that.

8th wrote:sorry to hear that man, ima pray for yall.

but if u stick with him u can feel him n he always will be near u/
he said never to be loved,but love when niggas fear u/

feeling the light penetratin in deeper/
feeling it in the air, i practicly could see the grim reaper/

^prolly my favorite lines.

lyrically it could have been better, but sometimes the story supercedes the need for multis and what not. more multis could have helped it flow a little better. Sometimes it flowed well, and sometimes it feel off. I was kinda due to the wide variation of line length. But it was real and i felt the emotion, so to me it was a solid drop. As i said, sometimes the story is more important that making a lyrically masterpiece. But good drop man, and im sorry for your lose. stay up man and keep dropin.

"he laughed at me and said,he only can hear u/
but if u stick with him u can feel him n he always will be near u/ "

^ and remember that.

yea i lacked in some parts but i was just tryin to express the story more then lyrical wise.n im always gonna rememba tha,but good looks.

Viral wrote:

Demented Mind wrote:evrything that happen in those rhymes is true.

sorry to hear dat man....so how old r u now then?

is all good,im 19 going on 20 this month.

i liked the story but i didnt really feel the structure too much, overall pretty nice..i can sort of relate.

Demented Mind wrote:

Viral wrote:

Demented Mind wrote:evrything that happen in those rhymes is true.

sorry to hear dat man....so how old r u now then?

is all good,im 19 going on 20 this month.

u came a long way from dat day....stay up man....not being able to trust ne body fuckin sucks...ive been thru it enough time to kno..friends r only dere wen dey wanna be....but theres those certain exceptions

Well you shouldn't let your brothers death go unnoticed. You're following in his foot steps and you contiune to take that path, when you already know what's at the end.
The verse was awesome man. Very nice description..

is not that im following his path,is that i already know wats going to happen at the end regardless,so why not keep doing what i gotta do. good looks on the feedback

Word on the story, scheme could use a lil work