Hip Hop Forum

she cries, he lies, they both despise, look at her in the eyes, she might attack,
hit you back, then she'll pack, her things and leave, wears her heart on her sleeve,
her friends say his just a sleeze, he thinks your just a tease, boy i guarentee she'll be back
with ultimatums you think are wack, cut him some slack, make him stay so you can play
the same games he did, remember his not a man just a kid, dont let him get his way
although you love him at the end of the day, dont let feelings take you away
your a beautiful piece of clay, hurt you as he may, revenge is sweet i must admit,
grab a seat and sit, watch the show as he regrets what he did, your better off without
his lame ass, he sat your test and couldnt even pass.

so im not stupid i know this doesnt have structure. i thought id try this style, let me know what you think.

and i need a 2nd topic plz and thanks

Write about evolution and make it a metaphor to your style which isn't seeing much evolution.

The transition between rhymes was extremely awkward.

The story wasn't emotional at all. Though the concept should have ignited more emotions.

When you called yourself a "beautiful piece of clay", I think that took away from the story.

I think the rhymes carried to much weight on the actual story.

In order to avoid that you could try making a "jot list" of what you're going to try to mention in the song or even write it out as a story first.

I think that would be pretty effective for you.

Don't get me wrong, the written wasn't horrible. I'm just trying to give you as much knowledge as I can to get better.

Ps: The whole lets rhyme numerous smallwords into a bar really doesn't fly to well.

6/10

Write about evolution and make it a metaphor to your style which isn't seeing much evolution. lmao funniest thing ive heard all day.
and thanks for the knowledge plex appreciate it mate.
btw this wasnt about me, it was just a little something

eh.. it was ok.. im not gonna be harsh on u this time since i know this isn't something of ur expertise..it could definitely use improvement tho..i know uni and havin a life with ur friends conflicts with the whole.. writing for illest n shyt.. but yea next time try to make it a lil longer n re-read it urself before dropping to make sure it actually has flow.. as if it were going on audio u know..that would make it a lil more worth the read