Hip Hop Forum

don-t-take-her-away-verse-1-vt5068.html

here's a song i made while i was away sick..it goes 2 a beat n everything so dont get twisted over the structure that much but im gonna record soon as i get new speakers cuz these ones suck asssss lol soo here it is leave sum feed yall...

Verse 1:

on these tracks i laced'em mean
while replacin schemes,of chasin green
and facin feins,who always stay
tryna erase my dream
and my pockets need money so bad
they tastin cream,back'ta hustlin
thats the case it seems
but even so,u cant defeat this kat
gimme a pen-n-pad,i can eat like that
just make my dough-n-take the show
thru all the ties,and breaks in my flow
but right about now,im juz wonderin yall
juz cuz i dont got cars-n-chains
that makes me under yall?
i neva hadda felony
but i wont stop yellin-B
Nope,not until u start tellin meee
the answer 2 the question im askin...

Chorus:

WHAT U WANT FROM ME
i wasnt asked'ta rap
WHAT U WANT FROM ME
dont need my name on the map
WHAT U WANT FROM ME
tryna escape the past
WHAT U WANT FROM ME
tryna make that cash
(say twice)

Verse 2:

i was trained by the state
ta feel pain-n-hate
but in this game-its-fate
weather u be shoutin
my name now,or late
i can still get fame-n-create
a flame ta castrate ur lame tapes
with an aim thats great
but i aint rockin stones
or cockin chrome,or coppin homes
juz keep droppin poems
ta stop whos roamin
from lockin the throne
am i stressin ya folks
R-u-guessin who wrote
the best-a-the notes
that ur hearin right now
from my chest-n-throat
i got ppl sayin
'he's the man wit the flows'
standin out in the cold
handin out demos
in this place-a-crime
u see this face-a-mine?
all i need iz,space-n-time
ta taste the sunshine
and im still askin man
what yall want from me...

Chorus:

WHAT U WANT FROM ME
i wasnt asked'ta rap
WHAT U WANT FROM ME
dont need my name on the map
WHAT U WANT FROM ME
tryna escape the past
WHAT U WANT FROM ME
tryna make that cash
(say twice)

Verse 3:

from city ta city
yea im'a localist
known as a vocalist
but im focused and rarer
then any opal is
im'a lighten the flame
which tightens my game
take one step back
and ignite my name
ull feel my hate
step in my shoes
and deal with fate
as i steal the plate
and find the spot light
but this plot might
help me get'ta the top
n be hot right?
i got the whole soul
of a soulja in rap
flowin with the knowledge
ta hold ya back,i told ya that
jehovas back
with snake eyes
i aint gotta make ties
cuz now i can see
thru all the fake lies
ill juz go and put this
back on the shelf
but i aint askin u
im askin myself
What u want...

Chorus:

WHAT U WANT FROM ME
i wasnt asked'ta rap
WHAT U WANT FROM ME
dont need my name on the map
WHAT U WANT FROM ME
tryna escape the past
WHAT U WANT FROM ME
tryna make that cash
(say once)

flow was a little choppy rhyme scheme was a little above basic but it worked well hard for me to find the topic

fav part
and find the spot light
but this plot might
help me get'ta the top
n be hot right?


some parts sounded a little forced
but not bad overall

keep droppin

had a problem with the topic as well.. and the flow was choppy.. hard to catch to flow unless u know the verse through and through.. think u can flow toght on audio with this piece tho..

EDIT: think u can flow tight on audio with this piece tho..

The third verse was my favorite.

I have no problem with the topic.

Three verses from three different perspectives of making it as an artist.

My main problem is you had "no eye catching lines", which includes but not limited to dope similes, metaphors,wordplay, sophisticated thoughts, or knowledge based lines.

The chorus was nothing special.

"take one step back
and ignite my name
ull feel my hate
step in my shoes
and deal with fate"

Deal with what fate? A grim fate? An amazing fate? A horrible fate? A hated fate?
Maybe an adjective would have helped that line come to life.

Overall the piece was good fundamentally. The execution could have been a little more
fluid. I would increase the complexity a little bit as well. Than again that's completely a matter
of opinion.

I agree with plex on most of what he said.

I didnt have an issue with the topic either, your flow was choppy but you know that. Im sure on audio it wont be an issue. Lyrics were a lil simple but they stuck to the topic imo. You fell off on a line or two but overall this piece held its own. This is defo a step up from what I've seen you do in the past.

Cant wait for the audio version, Good Job Vincey

thanks 4 the feed n ye i understand what ur sayin blitz-n-plex n everyone else who commented..thanks again..and the audio version im hopin i can do soon,once i figure out whats wrong with my sound software...but thanks peacee