Hip Hop Forum

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/post48654.html#48654

theres no where i can live without any fear//
theres nothing to give and i sense my end is near//
i cant do it alone,patch up my cuts and heal my soul//
i cant live at home,god took my life i no he stole//
he took every ounce of breath away from me//
and i no hes standing at the gates just to wait for me//
and i cant do it,i cant stand tall i just crumble down//
and he knew it all,like i wouldnt last long in my town//
this life god gave me i could never bless this//
coz he put me in a place where im never accepted//
cut my veins and have the blood pour in the streets//
cut off these chains and wrap up my body in these sheets//
take me to my homeland and lay me to rest//
im not ready to go because i have not endin my quest//
im found laying in one piece left wit un done work//
stop the preying to release these demons into berserk//
my nightmares are escaping from my dreams//
this world tends to always be shaping to what it seems//
everywhere i look i see burnin buildings and dead bodies//
the worlds turnin into hell and it already fought me//
it destroyed me but im gonna fight back wit all my might//
this is the darkest night where god will loose his last life//
he put me in hell and misery and im not gonna take it anymore//
im outta this cell and imma bout to start up a whole new world war//
this is a battle between me and the lord and i wont give up my life//
this rattle is to much its cuttin out my vocal chords he cut it wit his knife//
at the end of it all god must fail,coz the will of a man is way 2 strong//
and since i am a male, i win, i conquered to prove god wrong//

ya this was prolly yo best verse, if not it was your deepest. keep it up

thanks man uppin for more feed people

That was pretty good. Did u actually write that? I`ll be honest i haven`t seen you improve at all since you came on here and your recent battle verse have been shit. But this was a huge improvement.

thanks man yeah i did it....i can write shit like this it just takes me awhile and im just really good at this like "emo" shit and the beat helped set the mood....ill be releasing a recorded version of it which i dont think is all that good but yeah

uppin for more feed

You have shown me some improvement..but the grammar is still bad..and you force a lot of rhymes here and there..but big ups to your improvement and hope to see more of it..

thanks appreciate it

still alot of improvement needed.

this was one of the better things you have been dropping Here.
I think you should think less about what your sayin so they make sense
most of it was alright, but some of the shit doesnt make sense.

Nice Elavation for your standards good work

much love uppin for feed people

I concur with many of the aforementioned statements. Grammar is important; you want people to understand what you're saying. Also, improve your vocabulary, and your rhyming abilities will increase exponentially. You stayed in topic which is definitely a plus. As already mentioned, the flow was a bit choppy - and what I mean by that is, the rhyme scheme was unstable throughout the piece. Lots of one-syllable rhymes and a few two-syllable rhymes; when you do this, you throw off the reader (or the listener). Try to maintain a standard rhyme structure throughout the piece.

You mentioned recording this, but, in the same sentence, you said you don't think it's all that good. Then don't post it. But go back and record it and rerecord it until you feel like it's the best you could possibly muster. If you post stuff that you don't believe is good, how do you expect others to think positively of your material...? Believe in yourself, because no one else will. If you believe you can or you can't, then you're right.

As for the topic, I was stoked when I saw the thread title. But I was disappointed when I read the verse. The thread title alleged you had conjured some theory based on religion and/or some metaphysical aspect of life. I was really excited when I saw the title and that's the only reason I clicked into the thread. I hate god; I think he's an asshole. But people need to stop blaming him for their shortcomings and just get off their asses and go get what they want.

much love guys means alot to me and Numbers i liked ur feed back the most i think imma just record it till i got it down packed and shit thanks guys

come on ppl feed please!