Hip Hop Forum

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/post51292.html#51292

lil verse i made not 2 long ago like lastnight..leave some feed if ya wud

lemme talk to you and say
im not tryna rock the stage
but it gettin kinda hard
to just block this rage
cuz my qualities of a poet
are just locked in'a cage
as the time keeps tickin
the pain dont stop with age
it somehow keeps progressin
to the point im awake,eyes are red
i cant sleep im stressin
but in my soul the desire lies
to light up the world bright
like an ocean of fire flies

This Could've Been a World Better. im Not Saying it Was Bad, But it Could've Been LONGER LOl, But Yeah, u Said it's Unfinished.

The Flow And Structure On This Tied in Nicely, i Like How ur Developing This Style For Like, One Bar Telling How u Feel, And The Next Explaining Why u Feel That Way, That's Good.

lemme talk to you and say
im not tryna rock the stage
but it gettin kinda hard
to just block this rage

^Like That.

Multis And inner Rhymes Were On Point But What i Didn't Like Was How u Added Some Words Just For The Flow.

to just block this rage <-- Like That.
are just locked in'a cage <-- And That.

id Replace 'Just' With Better Words On Those Lines, But Apart From That i Didn't See Any Other Unneccessary Words, So Continue With This Piece And Keep it Up.

thankz 4 the feed tre..and yea ill work on those..'filler words' u cud call em lol..thanks 4 the feed..uppin

u don't necessarily have to get wrid of em fillers.. cause they can be magic to ya flow.. but decrease the use of em.. that'll be appreciated.. but i gotta admit i kinda like using em myself.. lol..

but yeah, this was straight i guess.. juss feel like ive' heard it ooover and oooover again man.. and then it almost turns boring to me man..

try to write somethin other then how depressed u feel, although it can be nice to get the frustration out sometimes.. juss try and find a different topic.. think u'll do better then.. anyway.. keep it up

yea i hear ya man..thankz 4 the feed tho

Them bars are so short it's hard to put any complex thoughts in them.

That's my opinion.

I wasn't to impressed tramatic & you know, I've left you good feedback before.

Keep it up.

yea i agree,its not finished tho as i said but thanks 4 ur view point

What is this about...? I think he length - or lack thereof - is a big issue. Don't write something just to see another post in Scriptures under your name. Write long, meaningful pieces. Put thought and effort into them. Write them for YOU.

The rhyme scheme in this piece was simplistic. I'm confused as to what the ultimate topic in this piece referenced. And it needs to be longer. A lot longer.

thanks 4 ur honest feed

it was real short but u got a lot of good chances to add sum multis once dere added it goin be solid