Hip Hop Forum

ha U wnna be in are gang,u feelin are plots
robbin banks,a year later squeelin to cops
he go home mum mad she hates bein on her own
cant go to school,lookin after his mum she's a danger to herself
but if he takes her out she's a danger to everybody else
tryna get get a job against odds so he stackin shit upon da shelf
gettin worse than minimal wage treatin in like a criminal slave
it's like a subliminal rave tellin each other pschically to stay away
but he's been workin all day he lookin at his wrists and holdin a razor blade
his mum enters but know it way to late
cardiac arrest is the first state
the paramedic keeps tryna keep him awake
pumpin on his chest hopin his lungs still inflate
air rushin up out his mouth
without a doubt his mum gone crazy by now
in the front of her ambulance cryin into her hands
it's her fault maybe still she doesnt undertsand
how much hate could turn her son to do this
but then she sits up thinkin how more could i fuck this shit up
then she realises her son on da floor cryin
his dad starin at her wit a clenched fist,pissed n stoned
she asked wot happend he starts lyin
she throws him out da door wit no second glance
and jus thanks god for her second chance

ya she goes back to the beginning if ya didnt get it

okay, story's cool nice idea behind it, decent emotion

fav bar was:

" cant go to school,lookin after his mum she's a danger to herself
but if he takes her out she's a danger to everybody else "

Transitional Rhymes used well, overall id say, stick to a AA,bb,CC,dd rhyme scheme for now... obviously they include multis, but sometimes you'll have lines in there that dont rhyme with the next and that can throw off the flow of the whole piece, rewording lines will get you farther with multis and the like..

like:

"in the front of her ambulance cryin into her hands
it's her fault maybe still she doesnt undertsand"

she stands in front of tha ambulance, cryin' into her hands
is it her fault? a lost chance? shes trying to understand

try and cry work nice...... chance / lance aint on point, as theres a "she" in the second line, but generally rhyming between lines will get more rhythum to a piece

was feelin' some places where you stretched the rhyme sceme i.e late, inflate state etc, that was cool, and stay away and razor blade was a nice multi, not an obvious one.

So yeah solid piece, just work on rhyming and multis, content was good just needs that extra touch to take it to the next level, then you can go crazy on flow, rhyming.. content and all that other good stuff

keep doin'

thanks fo da feed preciatted

i know you seem to use the whole 'underdog' topic a lot but you gotta stop belittling yourself. you just need to man up dude.

^^^^
i wouldnt listen to that


the verse was decent. your improving quickly but its still a bit basic. if u feel ur underdog then u should write about it.

anyway this is better. keep droppin

thanks man preciated

hmmm, the shit ive been seein from u in cyphers is sick, so im gonna forgive the simple rhymescheme happennin here cause im guessin you just got a little weak spot with the topical aspect of it, i was the same way for ages where i could write awsome untill it came time to put it down on a certain topic,

anyways overall i liked the story, n great idea havin it all loop back around to the begginnin, keep it up bro

thanks for the feed