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[DaPrince]

Lookin for some advice/constructive criticism so I can improve my writing:

can't escape my reach cuz my rhyming apprehends ya
my skills so quick, call it swift like a ninja
you can't catch me, i'm so fast and so quick
you can't even see me, i'm like Casper in this bitch
haters try to shoot me down, but the only shots i take
leave me slightly tipsy or maybe inebriated

im the lyrical assassin, im ritually stabbing
beats with my tongue now thats a literal lashing
crack whips like a master, slave driving is my passion
workin my rhymes all the time, grindin' everlasting
killin tracks like they're plaque and i'm listerine
cough and hack on the beat like i need a vaccine

call me mac i wrote a book cuz i'm such a pro
i leap fakers and haters like a double-dutch show
lines hard to beat, got the Smith & Wesson flow
rhymes are to me what colors were to Vincent Van Gogh
A masseuse, i touch beats everywhere i go
i'm a hard act to follow like a confusing porno

my pen is a sword, my words could cause a war
three worlds above everyone, i need a grammy award
wordplay hard to catch like a butterfly with no net
crack lines like eggs, something I'ma let never happen is failure
feelin' the beat like brail for a blind man
similes is all you would find if you did a mind scan
more metaphors in my brain than the sahara's got sand
i think in terms of the future, yea i got a lot planned
like i got no left hand, i do right like dudley
slicin through so many words leave the dictionary bloody

[Mass Effex]

Decent flow. Third Verse had the best. Also, the metaphors were a little simple. Some of the mutlies were good while others didn't match up too well. Not bad though, keep on praticing, you have potential.

[DaPrince]

my attempt at more fluid mutli's:

My pursuit of perfection provokes the production of music
I compute the connection and challenge you to disprove it
I'll dispute your rejection and assert that it's truthless
My reputed collection of words stays where the booth is

Is this more like what you meant?

[complexity]

1st verse - Not that good

2nd verse - Pretty decent

3rd verse - Good until that last bar.

4th verse - Ok. The wordplay line was cool, though not true.

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Overall. Good job man. Not bad, how long have you been writing. How do you plan on improving?

[DaPrince]

For about two months now, but I've recently started posting my stuff on websites and I'm realizing that I still have a lot to improve on. Mostly I'm trying to work on in-rhymes and multi's as of now. The similes and metaphors I have aren't the strongest but I feel like I need to focus on other parts of my writing to make it more fluid before I try more complex stuff.

[JHaze]

this is good man, you have the idea down and some of the lines were nice, as you practice youll get better with the mulites, you have talent dude just keep writing and im sure youll elevate a lot good shit keep droppin

[DaPrince]

I think it would help if someone could point out which lines were good and which need work so I have something to specifically work on:

I set you up to knock you down, you're a bowling pin now
I spare no punches per round, strike every hater in town
Heat lines like rocket launch, hotta sets than yall
Treat rhymes like Pokemon, gotta catch em all

my one common theme is to be cold as ice cream
i Nick the track like Hakeem, I'ma Giant in my dreams
colder than Greenland, hear my flow you be shiverin'
told ya before, lines hot and fresh I'm deliverin'
stack rhymes like Dominoes, one after another
my mind stays on track like Usain Bolt's brother

I see why you're cynical, wishin' you could be this original
but it'd be insane-clinical, if you think we're flippin' roles
If I gave you a dime for a sick line, you'd just spend nickels
I create my rhymes to be divine, approaching hip-hop's pinnacle

[The Gonz]

WTF, I had this big critique written out, then when I go to post it, none of it shows up but the first paragraph. Must have went over the character count or something... Anyways, I'll sum up what I said.

You have some multies in this last set of rhymes, but they were basic. What I mean by basic is that you're only rhyming one to three syllables in a line and you have no internal rhymes. A basic formula I use would be something like this:

rhyme scheme A, rhyme scheme A/
rhyme scheme A, rhyme scheme A/
rhyme scheme A, rhyme scheme B/
rhyme scheme B, rhyme scheme B/
rhyme scheme B, rhyme scheme C/
rhyme scheme C, rhyme scheme C/

The internal multi will be the rhyme before the comma, the end rhyme the rhyme before the /. I don't always use an internal rhyme in each line, but I usually try to incorporate the last rhyme scheme into the next line and transition to the new rhyme scheme, if that makes sense.

-- Wed Oct 28, 2009 8:07 am --

As for multies themselves, try to focus not only on the word itself, focus on the syllables, sounds, and pronunciation. The more syllables you add to your rhyme scheme, the more complex it sounds, and the better it will flow. I personally like 5 syllable rhyme schemes. There are few words that contain 5 syllables, so I usually string together a phrase of 5 or less words and make the whole sequence rhyme. For instance:

In the morgue explorin yer organs with axes/
Bored, lookin for the source of yer wackness/
Never thought I'd resort to these courses of action/
Just to be warmer than torches and matches/

Notice how I threw a word/phrase in front of the end rhyme to make it flow better. The rhyme scheme itself is 5 syllables. org-ans-with-ax-es, source-of-yer-wack-ness, cours-es-of-ac-tion, tor-ches-and-match-es, etc. It sounds more complex than it is, it rolls off the tongue better, and sounds as smooth as silk, especially with the short internal rhyme in front of it. You can throw a quick one to two syllable rhyme from the front or end of your end rhyme scheme to give the line more flash and flare. Like the first line, I added morgue and explorin, the second I added for, third I added resort, fourth I added warmer. They don't appear as much, but when you spit it outloud, it sounds like the whole damn line rhymes. I say practice using longer multi sequences and rhyme schemes. Aim for ones that have 3 or more syllables but try to refrain from using the "ay-shun" rhymes like nation, patient, etc. They can be used for practice, and really you could rhyme forever with that rhyme scheme, but I think its severely overused. Push yourself to think outside of your normal vocabulary for different rhyme combinations.

[EvilJoey]

Hip Hop 101 baby! ^^^^^^^^^^^ Ruck speakin the truth.


Vocab - multi syl rhymes - Metas - punches which often can be metas /

Flow.... all key things.. you dont need all of those things in a piece but the more the better it comes out...

Once u get some of that down you need... Topics... and content.

Text can be Boring to read.. often at times very boring.
If you dont pull people in with something... they might not get past ur first verse.. thats how we get... 200 views and 2 comments on a post.

So you needs to be sayin shit with passion that people can relate to or at least get were ur coming from... or you need to be telling a story... or what i tend to go for is being funny... (SHOCK RAP)

Get people to Read a line were there like OHHHHH! it pulls em in...

i cant stay on topics my self.. so i got for funny... or fucked up type of shit.


Read posts... it helps alot.

and i agree with ruck.. the ATION rhymes are easyest... infact my very first post ever was all that. its like Sex n video games the more u do it better u get.

[DaPrince]

I'm workin on multi/vocab for the most part but once i get that down I'll move on to focus onto content, in the mean time:



My lines demand surrenda, so my rhymes apprehend ya
my mind's like a ninja, swift assassin here to end ya
break ya apart, i'ma aim at your heart
take your smarts, your brain is a board for my darts
extend these metaphors, my lyrics leave you with sores
and i'ma shoot off my mouth until these two lips soar
I don't claim to be a gangsta, but my words'll bang ya
I don't blame ya for hatin, but my verbs'll hang ya
Flame-ya til ya mangled, turn ya whole crew into angels
their bodies left dangled at three different angles
now your vision is spangled, seein' stars in your sight
cuz the bars that I write, leave you with scars by tonight
incitin my writin's like invitin Tyson to fight
bitin' off more than your ear, now you approachin the light
it might not be polite, but my will has extended
my skills are resented but still i'ma kill it
on beats i'm presented til my feats are cemented
and the weak have descended and my streak has ended
i see why you're so cynical, wish you could be this original
but it'd be insane-clinical, if you think we're flippin' roles
I give dimes for sick lines, and you just spend nickels
My rhymes are so divine, I'm at hip-hop's pinnacle
the hatin's understandable, my mind is so mechanical
my rhymes are so pedantical, my lines scar like hannibal
they surgically slice, I'm so lyrically precise
divide your life in two, so I can kill you twice
I'm a man among mice, so I'm not crusin' for cheese
and while you're snoozin on these, i'm just abusin more beats