Untitled Verse

[Danyo]

The sun starts to peek above the mountains in the distance/
Far beyond the high rising towers and places of business/
I try to take in the scene with a sigh as I breath/
As if I can't comprehend what my eyes are showing me/
I'm frustrated.. holding this lock with no key/
While I think at the same time the vault could be empty/
The beauty of nature surpasses the abilities I use to
describe them on paper so willingly/
While time flies by with another tick on the clock, /
more often than not, I'm guided by thoughts that lead me
to hazardous spots/
So I use the stars as my compass so I can find my way back to the summit/
Lookin' out at the map as I stand high above it/
I plot the next move with a chart full of clues/
To help slip from the noose/
What else can I say? This is just another day walkin' with a calculated
pace/
But there's too much at stake to step away from the plate just to strike
out with no reason, the season of fate/

I used a lot of figurative language in this one but I wanted to get some feed back. Thx

[Soulo]

I like the concept, but you need to work on your structure, form, rhymes, and basically everything.

[Kuhlerblynd]

Alright fammo, here we go. I like how you have some structure there, but do you see where your lines break apart in mid sentence? YOu might not want that to happen anymore, it can disrupt the flow of the piece for the reader. Now, I really like your imagery and description, and the feel you brought to this piece was cool. You have the talent, now you just have to build with that talent. Nice drop to kick off your stay here at Illest, and Ill be keeping an eye out for more pieces from you. One.

[Danyo]

Ay thanks murk. This came straight from my note pad so I don't really worry about line structure in there. But yeah, for the purpose of this board, next time I'll shape it up a little.

[QwarterZ]

This was a nice lil' verse, you a topical writer?
I like the idea of the piece, but it seemed forced
like you just put it out without finishing it, but it's good
but really lacks in certain areas, it falls short at the end too
the ending just came abruptly to me, but it's all good
you detail the imagery nice enough to the point I kept reading it
which is always a good thing, but you gotta capitalize on your piece man

As if I can't comprehend what my eyes are showing me/
I'm frustrated.. holding this lock with no key/
While I think at the same time the vault could be empty/
The beauty of nature surpasses the abilities I use to
describe them on paper so willingly/

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^that part stood out to me
really got a inner perspective vibe to it, nice drop man
keep writing I'll be watching out for you...

[IntrinsicCadence]

I like this piece quite a bit. The imagery and language is nice. There are a couple of lines that don't seem to fit in with the rest, especially the last line with the baseball metaphor. The majority of your piece describes nature and thoughts being reflected on while hiking through nature, but then that last line just seems to go off in another direction with it... But in general, I like what your trying to do with this piece, I've actually read it like five times cuz I'm intrigued by some of the parallels your making between the physical things being described and the internal thought processes going on. That's cool...

[Danyo]

Hey thanks guys. Qwart you're right, I get real focused on my lyrics for a short period of time and then I get distracted. I don't like going back to old pieces because I don't feel the same sense of emotion that I had at the time of writing it, which to me kind of changes the overall feeling of it.

Anyways, feedback always appreciated.