Super Liono World

[Kau the Lion]

This was for a topical battle that never came to fruition. I figured I'd post it here for some feedback.


It was a late night, it was game night; I was playing some old school shit
I was stomping goombas and kicking koopas and navigating over pits.

I fell asleep but still I keep my fingers on the controller.
I had already seen the ending screen but it wasn't yet game over.

I awoke to find I was out of my mind; that's the only explanation.
My jaw agape at the raw landscape that was rendered in pixelation.

"You ain't my bro, but we still gotta go!" A voice came from behind me.
The mustache: huge, the overalls: blue, his hat and shirt were lime green.

I stood up, coughed as I dusted off and saw some Go-karts were waiting.
Luigi made haste, "There's no time to waste!" we quickly started racing.

Before I could process the transpired nonsense we arrived upon a castle.
We came to put the sqeeze on the Koopa's big cheese: a spiky demonic asshole.

Then Yoshi approached with a couple of toads, we were ready to advance.
We had fire flowers for our fire power. Bowser didn't stand a chance.

We take to the sky as our capes let us fly dodging Bullet Bills and Spinies.
A starman was granted just as we landed. I felt power surging inside me.

I tail grabbed the turtle, spun him in circles. He went plummeting down below.
I jumped to attack, landed on his back with the weight of a thousand stones.

The dust was clearing as the crowd began cheering. I stood on my foe, victorious.
The princess was safe from a distressing fate. My name had become notorious.

In the ultimate play to convince me to stay I was kindly offered the throne.
I said, "It's been fun but my work here is done. It's time for me to go home."

I warp piped out and awoke on my couch. Wow! That was one hell of a dream.
Broken and beat I rose to my feet and watched as flower petals fell from my jeans...

[NoVeL]

Kinda Different.. I Liked This One. Had A Real Video Game Vibe To It. Heck It Was Enjoyable. Keep em Coming

[IntrinsicCadence]

Alright, here's a bar by bar breakdown:

It was a late night, it was game night; I was playing some old school shit
I was stomping goombas and kicking koopas and navigating over pits.

Nice way to start off, the flow is killer, and the mario references starts it off with some nice humor.


I fell asleep but still I keep my fingers on the controller.
I had already seen the ending screen but it wasn't yet game over.

You got a way to really nicely intertwine some internal rhyme schemes, I very much appreciate that as I'm often workin on doin that with my writtens too. This bar makes me think that your probably gonna be moving into a dream state in the next bar.

I awoke to find I was out of my mind; that's the only explanation.
My jaw agape at the raw landscape that was rendered in pixelation.

I really like the second line of this bar a lot, the first line maybe could have been a bit better, doesn't really do much with the story or anything. But the second line, awesome...

"You ain't my bro, but we still gotta go!" A voice came from behind me.
The mustache: huge, the overalls: blue, his hat and shirt were lime green.

Nice way to introduce Luigi into the scene without actually naming him. The flow on both these lines is right on point.

I stood up, coughed as I dusted off and saw some Go-karts were waiting.
Luigi made haste, "There's no time to waste!" we quickly started racing.

Didn't know you weren't already standing up. Why'd you need to cough and dust off? This makes me think that maybe you fell from the sky into the video game or something, but you never actually said that's what happened. Seems unnecessary to add those parts here.

Before I could process the transpired nonsense we arrived upon a castle.
We came to put the sqeeze on the Koopa's big cheese: a spiky demonic asshole.

Again, I really really like the second line of the bar, the first line however I was a little ehhh about. Why was what has transpired been nonsense? Seems like it's been pretty interesting journey to me. The second line though, awesome... And the flow again, on point as it has been in every bar thus far.

Then Yoshi approached with a couple of toads, we were ready to advance.
We had fire flowers for our fire power. Bowser didn't stand a chance.

Excitement is building, I eager to know what's gonna happen next...

We take to the sky as our capes let us fly dodging Bullet Bills and Spinies.
A starman was granted just as we landed. I felt power surging inside me.

I don't actually know what bullet bills and spinies are, but I assume that another mario reference. I really liked the expression of the power of the star surging inside you, but think a bit more explanation of that power would be kinda dope in this topical...

I tail grabbed the turtle, spun him in circles. He went plummeting down below.
I jumped to attack, landed on his back with the weight of a thousand stones.

Great bar, one of my favorites...

The dust was clearing as the crowd began cheering. I stood on my foe, victorious.
The princess was safe from a distressing fate. My name had become notorious.

Nice imagery, but wish the princess had a bigger role in this bar.

In the ultimate play to convince me to stay I was kindly offered the throne.
I said, "It's been fun but my work here is done. It's time for me to go home."

Wish you had swept the princess off her feet or something here after saving her life...

I warp piped out and awoke on my couch. Wow! That was one hell of a dream.
Broken and beat I rose to my feet and watched as flower petals fell from my jeans...

The dream setting isn't exactly original, kinda wish you had thought of a different way to enter and exit the video game world, but it did make the whole thing seem more realistic in some way. The second line however, is once again awesome... The flower petals falling off your jeans makes for some real nice imagery and ends up the story real nicely.

Overall, this is a solid drop Kau. Your flow is incredibly consistent, with some nice multis, but highlight of the flow is definitely your internal rhyming. Your story building techniques make for a read that can capture the reader well. In my mind I had a running movie going on picturing all the events happening in your story. Well done...

[Markb]

I'd just like to point out that I disagree in what "IntrinsicCadence" has done by breaking it down in that way
for a topical everything should gel together, usage of words and meanings should flow through-out
bringing everything in line by line is what fluctuates the verse as a whole
unlike a battle rap or concept punch line drops that many artists use in which can be broken down
due to understanding the delivery of each line
Any whoo this was a half decent drop
I felt you wavered off in places, and some lines I just think lacked where over lines outshined
I like that you used concepts and have displayed humour to get the readers reading and enjoying
Ohh and I love Mario also that probably kept me reading to the very end lol

~Markb~

[pablo1212]

I really liked this drop .... it was definetly different , and creative. Your flow was easy to follow , and I really like your ability to rhyme between the lines ... Keeep dropping ... 1

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[FlipSide]

Ahahah.... Man this def brings me back since i was a huge mario fan back in the day. I Feel that u made use of a lot of the components of the game... from the shrooms to the stars...the vocab and flow was good but i think i like the structure of the story the most... u did not bunch anything up and its entertaining the whole way thru. I really like reading this. Dope drop bro..

[Kau the Lion]

Thanks for the feed. As far as Intrinsic's feed is concerned, in our crew we try to give each other more detailed feed than might normally be necessary. I don't imagine he would give that kind of breakdown normally.

[FlipSide]

Yea man my bad for not dropping a detailed feed... i know i had said i would peep but work kicking my ass...a i read it and liked it feed had to do for now lol

[Kau the Lion]

No worries, Flip. Your feed was more than sufficient.

[Dana Riot]

Haha this was sweeeet. I'd love to have a dream like that.

Good job bringing fantasy to reality it all went smoothly in my opinion, the way you had the dream start gave me a good feel of everything. I enjoy verses like this, out of the box. A lot of the time the idea is good but the execution is stupid, but you pulled it off nice work.

[Kau the Lion]

I appreciate the kind words, Diva.

[Haz]

It was a late night, it was game night; I was playing some old school shit
I was stomping goombas and kicking koopas and navigating over pits.

Cool Start

I fell asleep but still I keep my fingers on the controller.
I had already seen the ending screen but it wasn't yet game over.

building up

I awoke to find I was out of my mind; that's the only explanation.
My jaw agape at the raw landscape that was rendered in pixelation.

Wasn't feeling this bar as much

"You ain't my bro, but we still gotta go!" A voice came from behind me.
The mustache: huge, the overalls: blue, his hat and shirt were lime green.

you picked it back up. Good imagery

I stood up, coughed as I dusted off and saw some Go-karts were waiting.
Luigi made haste, "There's no time to waste!" we quickly started racing.

This was alright

Before I could process the transpired nonsense we arrived upon a castle.
We came to put the sqeeze on the Koopa's big cheese: a spiky demonic asshole.

LOL, this was nice

Then Yoshi approached with a couple of toads, we were ready to advance.
We had fire flowers for our fire power. Bowser didn't stand a chance.

was alright

We take to the sky as our capes let us fly dodging Bullet Bills and Spinies.
A starman was granted just as we landed. I felt power surging inside me.

Ok

I tail grabbed the turtle, spun him in circles. He went plummeting down below.
I jumped to attack, landed on his back with the weight of a thousand stones.

I get it, but don't like it.

The dust was clearing as the crowd began cheering. I stood on my foe, victorious.
The princess was safe from a distressing fate. My name had become notorious.

Could of stayed away from this.

In the ultimate play to convince me to stay I was kindly offered the throne.
I said, "It's been fun but my work here is done. It's time for me to go home."

Picking Back Up

I warp piped out and awoke on my couch. Wow! That was one hell of a dream.
Broken and beat I rose to my feet and watched as flower petals fell from my jeans...

Then it ends... Good way to end the piece. Again when you read it you can see it.

This was a good read could stay away from certain things other then that.
good shit , stay up and keep dropping