Let me introduce you guys to Close Protection Officer Rugged. He gets the job done by the book and I swear to god if you mess up his hair in the process of getting the shit kicked out of you, it will go from a beating to a divine cover-up. Rugged is proactive, Rugged is merciless, and he is passionate about his job. His partner, Close Protection Officer Murk McNasty, is another great asset to the team. You don't have to worry about him killing you, he barely has any hair to mess up. His skills include using any random item as a deadly weapon (seriously if you see this guy with a pool cue your pants will go brown faster than Plex in an oven), and floral art. Murk is a man's man but don't be fooled by his friendly manner.
The Chief of Security ? That would be Omni. Not much is known about Omni as he only got the job recently. You see, there was a giant scandal involving the old Illestville Security Team. Chief of Security Omega Bill, along with Secretary of Defense Moe Meijer and Sergeant Yezzir were notoriously revealed as the secret organization behind a local fight club. The fight club was generally considered to be the cancer of Illestville and President Plex broke his back in his attempts to find it and shut it down. He really did break his back, he is in a wheelchair now and uses one of those computer things to talk. The shamed team now resides in Illestville Prison, along with other criminals such as Quix and Titan Spiteful. One lunchtime, they heard the news about the Pope visit on TV, and they had to play a part in this.
News Reporter 2xS on TV: This is quite possibly the most exciting time in the history of our city and hopefully it will attract tourism and raise activity. HEAR THAT BITCHES !? I really need to quit swearing on TV...
Yezzir: Lmaooooo fuck activity those assholes put me in the joint and I was more active than any of those clowns!
Omega Bill: Yeah, fuck Illestville. I did my job by the book and they lock me up for being part of a fight club. Let's look at the bigger picture pal, I still benefitted this city more than the dickheads that think I'm a scumbag. I'm going back to the gym, this shit is pissing me off.
Prison Guard Cadence: Seriously ? Guys, it's been a month now and every single conversation you guys have consists of the same old shit. Take your friendly prison guards into consideration here, we don't wanna hear it. And we take you guys into consideration everyday when we decide to NOT beat your ass.
Yezzir, Bill, Moe: FUCK YOU !
Titan: SHUT THA FUK UP ASSWHOLEZ I'M TRYNA READ !!!!!!!!!!!!
Moe Meijer grabs the book out of Titan's hand.
Moe: There ain't even any words in this book.
Titan: YOU CAN READ PICTUREZ TOO CUZ YA USE UR EYEZ DON'TCHA ?
Cadence: Allllright Titan, think it's time for your meds now.
Titan: NAW FUCK U I'M BREAKIN OUTTA THIZ JOINT !
Titan runs into the wall full force and knocks himself out. Cadence drags him out of the hall.
Yezzir: Yo guys, I have a plan.....
Meanwhile in the Illestville White House, President Plex, Token-Lady-In-High-Position-To-Be-Politically-Correct-Double-FL, and Secretary Phlebaic were in the middle of a meeting about the security set up and the Pope's route.
Plex: Listen faggots, I think the route should be a lap of the park. Fuck the street we'll turn the park into a carnival for the day, like a pep rally or something.
Phlebaic: Do you want me to hire a third party for crowd control ?
Phlebaic starts scribbling down notes.
Plex: No, we have it............
Double.FL: Ffs.
Double.FL plugs the USB charger into Plex's speech computer.
Plex: We have it covered, and thanks for making yourself useful for once bitch.
Double.FL: I hate my job...
Phlebaic: .....and Double.FL hates her job.
Phlebaic puts his pen down.
Double.FL: You didn't need to write that down asshole.
Plex: AY ! The only fucking reason you're here in the first place is to slave after me. I only hired you to be politically correct. Employee or not your opinion means nothing.
Double.FL: Ya know what ?
Double.FL unplugs USB charger.
Plex starts blinking frantically while Double.FL leaves.
Phlebaic: ...blink blink blink, blink.... blink. Alright boss that's me written everything down, anything else ?
No response from Plex.
Phlebaic: Awesome ! I get to go home early.
Phlebaic leaves Plex alone and disconnected in his office.
In the White House security department, Omni and Murk McNasty were briefing newcomers Ruskus, Mutual and Orfadox.
Murk: Alright, nothing's been confirmed yet but Rugged is talking to the Vatican's security department via videophone right now. After this conversation, he will be back here with our posts.
Mutual: Oooooooh Nice.
Orfadox: So We Find Out Where We're Stationed Today ?
Murk: Correct, then we will give you all the correct training for your individual posts in due time.
Rugged: Knock knock.
Murk: Alright, what's the deal ?
Rugged: As I expected, you and I have to remain in close proximity to the Pope's bulletproof hutch at all times, the Vatican security will be with us.
Murk: And what about our new members, what are their posts ?
Rugged: Um........
Murk: Rugged ?
Rugged: Funny story actually...
Omni: RUGGED !?
Rugged: I lost their posts..... it was an accident.
Omni: Can you even remember them ???
Rugged: I had them written down, they were in my pocket but they just vanished.
Omni: Aw shit this is just great, Rugged lost the fuckin posts.
Ruskus: Wait. Did you pass a black guy on yer way here ?
Rugged: Yeah.
Ruskus: He's a pickpocket, I caught him trying to take my gum earlier. Said he was really hungry.
Omni: How the fuck does Drunken Jesus keep getting into the White House ???? Do we suck that much as a security team ? Gawd........
Murk: Alright, first mission guys. Ruskus, Mutual, Orfadox, go find Drunken Jesus and get your posts off him. That's top secret military information he's got and we don't want him sharing it with his hobo crackhead buddies under the bridge.
Ruskus, Mutual & Orfadox: We're on it !
Murk: Alright let's go snort some coke.
Back in Illestville Prison, the criminals were discussing their plan out in the yard.
Moe: If a rabbit's foot is lucky, think how fucking lucky the Pope's will be !
Yezzir: That's our plan in a nutshell. We ask Cadence to sneak us out, with a promise of sharing the foot with him.
Bill: But we screw him over at that point cause we don't need him anymore.
Moe: Then we take over Illestville.
Yezzir: We need 3 men to escape with us though, to test the foot out. Maybe the luck behind it's just a myth.
Moe: I agree.
Moe looks over at the basketball court where Quix, Riggz and FlipSide are playing.
Moe: What about those guys ?
Yezzir: ATTN QUIX RIGGZ AND FLIPSIDE !
Quix: What
Riggz: Is
FlipSide: Up ?
Yezzir: We need a favour.
Quix: HIT IT !
Random beat starts playing, where it's coming from who knows.
Riggz: We're the dudes in the jail that are never gonna fail !
FlipSide: When it comes to doin jobs we're the opposite of slobs !
Quix: We're amazing as a team we can be nice or just plain mean !
Riggz: RIGGZ !
FlipSide: FLIP !
Quix: QUIX !
Quix: We'll take anybody down so fuck dem clownz !
FlipSide: We're 3 raging bulls and we do it for the lulz !
Riggz: So watch the fuck out ya scrubs it's the rebirth of the fight club !
Titan: Don't forget me guyz !
Everyone: ....
Moe: How'd you know we were bringing back the fight club ???
Riggz: It's really happening !?!!??
Moe: Yup !
Riggz:
Yezzir: You guys wanna break out with us ?
Quix: Nah I like it here !!!
Yezzir: ...
Quix: I'm jus playin niggah !! I still got unfinished business with that bitch Hazard !!!
Moe: Well here's the plan, we're gonna break out on Pope day for reasons I'm not gonna reveal right now. But you know Cadence ? We're gonna get him to sneak us out.
Quix: HOW ?
Moe:
At the other side of town under a bridge, we meet with Ruskus, Mutual and Orfadox. Makeshift beds are scattered around the area, some made of leaves and grass, some made of trashbags, and some made of cardboard. You couldn't take 2 paces down there without stepping on a bed, a crackpipe, or someone else's shit. But on the upside, our heroes have found Drunken Jesus, however he refuses to hand over the posts till they give him enough cash to buy a waterproof coat.
Ruskus: I'm tellin you man all I got is 2 dollars for the bus home ! I'd buy a car but I'm so damn fussy I can never choose one ! So many cars, so little time ! Omg I fuckin love cars ! Gimme the fuckin posts !
Drunken Jesus: Nah yo and y'all can't do shit. I got an army of hobos here ready to pounce on y'all and end your pathetic lives.
Orfadox: Don't do it !
Mutual: Wellllll we're gonna have to agree on something. I got rugby practice at 5.
ScottJames: We'll text battle for it !!!
Mutual: Where the hell did he come from !?
Lawgix: Word that was weird.
Mutual: Well we'll need to write down the rhymes on paper cause there ain't any computers here.
Ruskus: But I don't text battle.
Drunken Jesus: Me and ScottJames vs Mutual and Orfadox then.
Orfadox: Can we make it a topical ?
Drunken Jesus: Nah yo.
Ruskus: This shit ain't gonna work out.
Drunken Jesus: Aight then I guess y'all ain't gettin these jawns back.
Ruskus: ALRIGHT jesus fucking christ, do we have any paper ?
ScottJames takes a notepad out of his pocket.
ScottJames: I keep this handy just in case I run into a text battle when I'm out and about.
Drunken Jesus: Alright each dude gets 4 bars each, house rules.
Ruskus and Mutual nod, and ScottJames hands them a bit of paper and a pen.
Drunken Jesus: Due in 20 minutes, alright we'll write ours over here next to this shopping cart, and y'all can write your jawn here. Meet us halfway in 20 minutes exactly and we'll wait on people stumbling by to vote.
Ruskus: But the only people that will see it are cracked out hobos, you got home advantage.
Drunken Jesus: You want your posts back or not ?
Ruskus: Alright then, see ya in 20 minutes.
[insert text-battle-writing idea-sharing, struggle-followed-by-good-idea-followed-by-success montage]
Both teams meet in the middle to drop their verses on the ground.
Drunken Jesus: Aight vote up hobo army.
Suddenly, hobos emerge from every nook and cranny. They start rising up from the shadows like a fucking plague of rats, and the whole area begins to fill up with the stench of damp clothes and alcohol.
Drunken Jesus: Y'all are goin down.
Ruskus notices that Drunken Jesus in his cracked up state, has accidentally put down the posts instead of his team's verse.
Ruskus: Just out of curiosity man, let's see your verse.
Drunken Jesus: Aight but don't edit that shit cause I'll just not give you the posts back.
Drunken Jesus hands Ruskus the paper.
Ruskus: You mean these posts ?
Our heroes begin running before Drunken Jesus even acknowledges what happened. The posts were now back in the right hands ! What's next for Illestville ? Nothing seems to be running smoothly so far, so will this eventually ruin the Pope's visit ? Find out after these messages in Act 2 !
Do you have trouble getting an erection ? Take viagra.
And now we're in act 2 let me set the scene. It's the day of the Pope's visit, Moe, Yezzir and Bill are still in jail, and the security team have found their posts. The criminals haven't broken out yet as they wanted to avoid a media frenzy before the Pope's arrival. With 3 dangerous men on the loose, the Pope would never want to set a lucky foot into this city.
Illestville park was booming with activity, President Plex was over the moon. He sat in his wheelchair in a Hawaiian shirt while Double.FL held a margarita to his mouth (with a straw of course). The sun was scorching, everyone was having a ball and the Pope wasn't even due to arrive for another 2 hours. It was a fun day out for all; old and young (we had bingo and bouncy castles), big and small (an all you can eat buffet and a modelling show), black and white (a basketball game and minigolf).
President Plex: THIS IS GREAT. AFTER THIS THEY WILL TREAT ME LIKE A HERO. GREATEST ILLESTVILLE PRESIDENT EVER EVEN THOUGH I'M THE ONLY ONE.
Double.FL: Will you take your damn computer off shout-mode you're giving me a fucking headache and people are staring.
Meanwhile in Illestville Prison, our criminals were getting ready to make their move:
Moe: We have to LEAVE Cadence. The Pope's gonna be here in 2 hours !
Cadence: I know man, chill out.
Moe: What are you waiting for !?
Cadence: Hey I'm listening to that song on my ipod ! How weird is that !
Moe: I swear to god man.
Cadence: Chill out ! Your disguises haven't arrived yet.
Yezzir: Do you know what the disguises are ?
Cadence: Nope, but I got the best guys on it.
Yezzir: If comedy movies have taught us anything, it's that our disguises are gonna be fuckin stupid.
Moe & Bill: Agreed.
Cadence: Well you're just gonna have to shutup and deal with it huh you ungrateful faggots.
Moe: You know we could've easily chose another guard to help us break out, you should be grateful !
Cadence: Fuck o-- .... here's the disguises now.
Riggz: RIGGZ !
Flipside: FLIP !
Quix: QUIX !
Titan: TITAN !
Everyone: FUCK OFF TITAN !
Cadence: How the fuck does he keep getting out of his cell ?
Moe: I WANNA SEE THE COSTUMES !
Beat starts playing.
Riggz: For you Scotch Hall, the size is small !
Flipside: And you got long hair, so to be fair...
Quix: Better tape up your dick cause your goin as a chick !
Moe: PRICKS !
Quix hands Moe the costume through his cell bars.
Riggz: Don't worry JJ you ain't goin as a layday !
Flipside: I know it looks a bit queer but take this beard !
Quix: So black you're outta sight so you're goin as Wesley Snipes !
Yezzir: Lmaoooooo.
Bill: What about me ?
Riggz: For you my man, just rip up your pants !
Flipside: And try not to faint from the fumes of this green paint !
Quix: Ya see cuz of your bulk you're goin as the Hulk !
Bill: Oh fucking typical.
Cadence: Alright you guys hurry up and get dressed, I got a truck waiting outside the block and it's ready to leave.
10 minutes later Cadence unlocks the cell doors. Moe walks out of his cell wearing a tube top, a mini skirt and high heels. His lack of make-up and hairy legs make him an extremely unconvincing female. Yezzir walks out of his cell dressed as Wesley Snipes from 'White Men Can't Jump' - the height of 90's fashion ! But forget the 90's, Bill looks like he just stepped out of an 80's comic book convention. The three criminals looked ridiculous but on the plus side they could've been mistaken for any 3 goons.
Cadence: We ready.
Moe, Yezzir & Bill: Yep.
Cadence: To Illestville park we go !
Almost 2 hours later the whole of Illestville Park was even more packed than it was before. It was like a giant field of sardines and walking anywhere was almost impossible.
Plex: Look at this fucking activity !
All the security were in their respective posts, and ready for any possible hiccups. The Pope was en route in his bulletproof rabbit hutch and the whole crowd was almost silent with anticipation. Little did anyone know, that our band of criminals were ready to use their security skills to get right close to the Pope and cut off his foot for divine good luck.
Moe: Alright we're gonna ambush him just before the park entrance, since there will be less crowds and we won't have to deal with all the park security.
Yezzir: Then at that second in the middle of the commotion Moe causes, I'll hijack the truck they have the hutch on and take a right at the juncton.
Bill: And that's when I get my switchblade out, unlock the hutch and cut that little bastard's foot off.
Cadence: This better work.
Moe: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Moe plunges a blade in Cadence's throat.
Cadence: gggggggggkkkkkkhhhhhhhhh
Moe: Hopefully we get outta this truck before he stinks it up.
Yezzir: Anyway after we get the foot we want you guys to pull this truck up next to the Pope's one. Now since we freed you fucks you gotta do this or we'll kill you. We'll throw the foot in your truck and you HAVE to drive into a wall full speed. If the foot works, you'll survive. If it doesn't, you'll die.
Riggz: RIGGZ !
Flipside: FLIP !
Quix: QUIX !
Titan: TITAN !
Moe: Ok seriously what the fuck ? How'd he escape from jail ?
Back to the event !
Reporter 2xS: And we're almost as the defining moment of Illestville so far ! The Pope is almost at the park gates and the atmosphere is so immense I can't fucking believe it ! Holy shit I just swore on national TV ! Oh fuck I just said HOLY shit ! Jesus fucking Christ the Pope's gonna have my ass faster than a priest fucks a kid ! How I've not been fired I'll never fucking know. Wait, what the fuck ? Holy motherfucker you guys won't believe what the fuck just happened ! Courtney Love has just came outta nowhere and punched one of the Vatican security guards ! Woah if you had any doubts about how crazy that bitch is I'm sure they're gone now. Oh wait !!!!!!!! Wesley Snipes just hijacked the fucking Popetruck ! What the fuck is going on here !? Courtney Love's holding back the security guards with a fucking hockey stick this is insane, this has to be the most celebrities Illestville has ever seen ! OH SHIT ! The Incredible Hulk's just gored Murk McNasty and jumped on the back of the Popetruck ! What the fuck is going on ! The security are all rushing towards the truck but the fucking dumbass bastards are all on foot ! I bet the old Illestville security team are laughing in their jail cells right now !
Plex: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WHY HAS THE FUCKING POPETRUCK TAKEN A RIGHT ?
Rugged's voice on walkie talkie: Yeah we got a problem here guys, we just got ambushed by Courtney Love, Wesley Snipes and the Incredible Hulk. Wesley fucking Snipes is driving the Popetruck away and the other two are on the back of it shooting at our men.
Omni: Who the FUCK could predict this !? Send all our men after the Popetruck !
Rugged: We have no cars at the ready.
Omni: There are gas powered lawnmowers in the park warehouse, get them and get them fast ! The Popetruck ain't fast enough to outrun them !
Rugged: Alright everyone meet me at the park warehouse RIGHT NOW we got a lawnmower chase on the way !
Meanwhile on the Popetruck.
Bill: Alright time to break into this fucking hutch.
Moe: Try putting your blade in the lock.
Yezzir: ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING BLIND THERE'S A FUCKING CAR COMING RIGHT BEHIND US AND IT AIN'T ONE OF OUR GUYS !
Moe: WTF who is that ???
ScottJames: You assholes ! Have you been eavesdropping on me and Jesus ??? This was OUR PLAN !
Moe: The hell it is !
Bill: Fuck you !
Moe and Bill shot at the car but SJ and Jesus sped up so they could be ahead of the truck.
Riggz: RIGGZ !
Flipside: FLIP !
Quix: QUIX !
Titan: TITAN !
Moe: TITAN NOW IS NOT THE TIME !
Titan: Fuck you that foot is mine !
Titan jumped out of the prison truck onto the Popetruck and pulled an axe out of his pocket, which astounded everyone for a second. Unfortunately Moe and Bill had guns so they shot him and he fell onto the road a dead, bloody mess.
Suddenly lawnmowers came spewing onto the road from all angles, driven by the security team and news camera crew.
Yezzir: You guys gotta be fucking kidding me !
Reporter 2xS: And we're in a real life car chase here fellows ! FUCK YEAH ! Bad Boys 2 eat your fucking heart out this is the shit right here. We just ran over a fucking corpse and blood went everywhere !
A loud banging noise is heard behind the news crew.
Reporter 2xS: That idiot Ruskus just fucking drove his lawnmower over Titan's axe ! Now he's joined Titan in the dead zone ! We now have a bodycount of 2 ! Fuck yeah ! Courtney Love and the Incredible Hulk keep shooting at us but they're missing cause they're a couple of fucking fags !
Bill: Aw hell no. Alright Moe, you take care of the cutting.
Bill jumped off the back of the Popetruck straight towards the news crew's lawnmower and smacked into 2xS so fucking hard his body exploded on impact.
Bill: Bodycount 3 motherfucker ! Now I'm reporting the news !
Bill climbed on the lawnmower which was still moving ahead and started speaking into the camera as he drove.
Bill: Hello America ! This is former Chief of Security Omega Bill and fuck you guys I escaped from prison and if Cadence's family are watching right now all I gotta say to you guys is he's dead and he ain't comin back ! Now let us pay attention to what's about to happen to the Pope and wait... what the fuck ?
Rugged: Surprise motherfuckers !
Rugged proceeded to open fire on Murk, Orfadox and Mutual and kill them all.
Rugged: Bodycount 6 ! And you faggots are goin down too cause that rabbit foot is mine !
Bill jumped from his lawnmower onto Rugged's as a bunch of unmanned lawnmowers came flying towards him.
Rugged: Fuck you Hulk you couldn't even beat Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Mr. Olympia finals once ! Time to die !
Rugged hit the breaks on his lawnmower and Bill flew ahead. The second he got up, Rugged started driving towards him full speed.
Rugged: Fuck you asshole !
Rugged's lawnmower hit Bill with so much force it left a Bill shaped dent in the front. Unfortunately Bill was unharmed and Rugged died on impact.
Bill: Ow he fucking winded me !
Back on the truck, Moe finally managed to break into the rabbit hutch and cut the Pope's foot off without a second thought.
Moe: Fuck you Pope you're useless !
Moe threw the Pope's bleeding carcass onto the road and threw the foot into the prison truck.
Moe: Alright fellas you kow the drill !
Riggz: RIGGZ !
Flipside: FLIP !
Quix: QUIX !
Titan: TITAN !
Moe: Seriously ????
Riggz proceeded to drive the truck into the nearest brick wall, and to everyone's amazement the truck went through the fucking wall like it was Platform 9 and 3 quarters from Harry Potter or some shit. The foot worked ! But now ScottJames and Jesus were chasing the truck.
Bill: Hey guys ! Just a quick news update. President Plex has committed suicide because his special day went to shit. The new President of Illestville is none other than..... YOUNG JOBE !
Everyone ever: SERIOUSLY ?
Riggz: They're gonna ram us off the fucking road !
Quix: You're a fuckin idiot dude !! The foot is magic watch this shit !!!!
Quix grabbed the rabbit's foot, and destroyed ScottJames' car with lasers from his eyes.
Quix: OHHH YEAHHH !!!!
Riggz: Why the fuck don't we just keep the foot for ourselves ? Fuck those SHMUCKS !!!!
Quix: Not like they can kill us when I got LASERS MUFUGGA !
Riggz: FUCK YEAH ! RIGGZ !
Flipside: FLIP !
Quix: QUIX !
Titan: TITAN !
Moe: WHAT THE FUCK !?
Quix: This shit's gettin fuckin stupid !
Titan: What's that over there ?
Quix: What ?
Titan grabbed the rabbit's foot and flew out of the fucking truck.
Quix: He's not even supposed to be alive !!!!!!! That shit ain't fair !!!!!!
And while in the air, Titan took his MASK off to reveal that he was in fact... QwarterZ !!!!!!!!!
QwarterZ: Bet you guys didn't see that one comin !
QwarterZ proceeded to destroy the Popetruck and the prison truck with the spirit bomb, and he flew back to the park. The park was still full of people that were too scared to leave and Plex's body was randomly lying in the middle of the crowd with blood pouring from it. How the fuck he was able to kill himself I don't know, the dude was almost completely paralyzed !!!
Young Jobe: Arrest this man !
Everyone: Shutup no one's gonna listen to you, President or not. This sounds really creepy cause there's thousands of us and we're all saying the same words at the same time. Fucked up yo.
QwarterZ then killed Young Jobe by stabbing him with his tongue which he managed to turn into metal for a split second.
The whole city then continued the celebrations as new President of Illestville and Pope QwarterZ destroyed all the evil that had been plaguing the city for what seemed like so long.
THE END.
