my very first attempt (at a love or female directed track)

[FatalX]

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/this- ... 20841.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/quick ... 20854.html

To tell you the truth I never thought this would happen-(spoken intro)

Between me and you,I never thought this WOULD HAPPEN//
........True Love,with a hint of THUG PASSION//
and even though I've thought about it,this is more then I IMAGINED//
so now I'm here with you,...wondering what the CATCH IS//
..........its almost like its MAGIC,....I know you FEEL IT//
and I don't have to say that your 1 in a MILLION//
for you to understand I find you more then just APPEALING//
...which is why when we kiss ,...my head hits the CEILING//
and the world shuts its lips,like MAFIA-SICILIAN//
so Let's go ahead and live,yeah just live to be LIVING//
in a moment made to MENTION,I wouldn't want it any DIF-RENT//-different
so keep it coming with the luvin,girl I love it when it SIMMERS//
your the sugar to my cinnamon-the summer to my WINTER//
the meaning in my words,or the win in my WINNER//
....my everything my all,this is just the BEGINNING//
we where meant to be involved,so let our fates...REVEAL IT//16

Did you know my spirit soars,everytime we EMBRACE?//
and I can't help but smile when I see your pretty FACE?//
girl I love the way you smell,....I love the way you TASTE//
and I love the way you feel,...in every single...WAY//
see I love it when you SAY,all those things that you SAY//
how you whisper in my ear,...and SAY you wanna "PLAY"//
or when you grab me by the hand,at any moment in the DAY//


I know this aint the greatest I wrote it months back.Can I get some feed on it as far as my apporach and what not....also I only got 8 bars into the second verse back when I was writing it and although I don't feel compelled to write anymore onto this because I believe my skill level has since exceeded it ...any good feed will be applied to my next attempt

-- Sat Mar 05, 2011 10:01 pm --

now that I read this on the screen this is probably the worst peice Ive ever posted on this site

[Elite Punisher]

overall that ended up to be a good piece,
and it wasn't basic like other love songs you hear on the radio
that was good

[Alvin]

Between me and you,I never thought this WOULD HAPPEN//
........True Love,with a hint of THUG PASSION//
and even though I've thought about it,this is more then I IMAGINED//
so now I'm here with you,...wondering what the CATCH IS//
..........its almost like its MAGIC,....I know you FEEL IT//
and I don't have to say that your 1 in a MILLION//
for you to understand I find you more then just APPEALING//
...which is why when we kiss ,...my head hits the CEILING//
and the world shuts its lips,like MAFIA-SICILIAN//
so Let's go ahead and live,yeah just live to be LIVING//
in a moment made to MENTION,I wouldn't want it any DIF-RENT//-different
so keep it coming with the luvin,girl I love it when it SIMMERS//
your the sugar to my cinnamon-the summer to my WINTER//
the meaning in my words,or the win in my WINNER//
....my everything my all,this is just the BEGINNING//
we where meant to be involved,so let our fates...REVEAL IT//16
Although vocab and rhyme scheme is good, its a rather simple approach at the topic. I like you, the end. I would have liked to see some better meta's or a layer deeper of description.
Did you know my spirit soars,everytime we EMBRACE?//
and I can't help but smile when I see your pretty FACE?//
girl I love the way you smell,....I love the way you TASTE//
and I love the way you feel,...in every single...WAY//
see I love it when you SAY,all those things that you SAY//
how you whisper in my ear,...and SAY you wanna "PLAY"//
or when you grab me by the hand,at any moment in the DAY//
*butterflies flew out of my moniter*. Fag, yet again, nice rhymes but a simple approach to a played topic. This is the easiest topic to write about while simotaniously being the easyest to sound stupidest saying. Now your not completely stupid about it, but it is rather basic approach. Difference between Brittany spears saying I Love you and Jedi Mind Tricks saying I love you.