P.O.W (Life Stories Vol. 4)

[Defiance]

His name was Jack McMann, he lost his right hand in Viet’Nam
Jack was sniper, used to bulls eyeing cans in the arizona sands
he was drafted in 72' along with other men and plenty fools
a young man at 22' not a plan and down on his money too
went through basic a good shot so he took sniper training
got a military fitted 30-30 feather triggered for tighter aiming
a sharp shooter, with a marred future and a blood endowed past
a tunnel rat shooting from cover to silence the loud blast
he racked up hits Scoring head shots at close to a thousand
a proud man trying to go from mole hills to climbing mountains
he was Counting the shell cases when the vietcong found him
they surround him, Shouting Vietnamese words he doesnt get
some FUBAR shit they busted lips cracked and crushed his ribs
Tied him up, muzzled his mouth, took his shoes an they walked
gun pressed into his spine. he couldnt believe he got caught
They seemed to walk and walk till the night came and went
they reached their destination as the tropical rain dispensed
threw him on the dirt, kicked on him, cut and bruised his skin
the pain made was out the old world but it became new to him
for 7 days they beat him, leaving him a battered an bloody pulp
they fed him rice and dead bugs contained with in a muddy hole
Jack started losing weight, became a frame inside a skeletin
looking like a pelican charlie’s tellin him this is where hell begins
with hellish grin, he refused to tell them anything by omission
held silent through the violence like survival was the mission
till they synched him grabbed his right hand and amputated
that was about the time the army rangers came through jaded
they found him hunched in corner bleeding out his right stub
Nabbed hum up to the LZ he felt dizzy with a slight buzz
He finnaly made it home after a year in vietcong Captivity
got off the plane and people spat and cussed at him with acidity
He gave his right hand for America and they gave him SPIT!!!
Whats the most you gave, cause to jack you aint give shit
and if you ask jack if he would re due it or do it Twice
the past is the past theres will be more pages in the story of life

[leeroi green]

awesome start love the 1st four bars
i like the introduction to your guy with a little back story

ok just finished the read nice

the only petty thing i have to say is

charlie’s tellin him this is where (i think you shoulda put "his" here)hell begins

and if you ask jack if he would re due it or do it Twice
coulda been
and if you ask jack if he would re-do it "he'd" do it twice

other than that i'd say pretty freakin dope drop D keep it up

[smallsuno]

krazy shit...made me feel like i was in the war with him or some shit...dope shit tho...Im no critic,so don't take this foul...structure...it was kinda hard to find the flow,do to the lack of bar structure...other than that...dope shit...

[Defiance]

upping

[Alvin]

His name was Jack McMann, he lost his right hand in Viet’Nam
Jack was sniper, used to bulls eyeing cans in the arizona sands
^ For some reason, I read this as a retard would, accent and all... no offense to the handicapped, but thats how i felt. the wording was kinda lame in my opinion, and reminded me of some I TARZAN, YOU JANE shit mixed with a kids book. Maybe you sacrificed all the worng things to keep a pretty little structure which implies flow, but in this case came out trash IMO. Not trying to offend you, just being honest.


he was drafted in 72' along with other men and plenty fools
a young man at 22' not a plan and down on his money too
went through basic a good shot so he took sniper training
got a military fitted 30-30 feather triggered for tighter aiming
^ Ok, much better, i prolly would have started the story there, I know a lot of people value name dropping, but in this case how you set it up, this would have been a better intro rather than your first bar. One thing though, in my book, which i read in a very literal and articulated manner, MANY FOOLS and PLENTY TOO doesnt really line up... again, IMO, which isnt always right.


got a military fitted 30-30 feather triggered for tighter aiming
a sharp shooter, with a marred future and a blood endowed past
^ I would have liked to see some kind of crossover rhyme, by this stage in your writing, it's kind of a "disapointment" for the lack of a better word, to not see good crossovers.



a sharp shooter, with a marred future and a blood endowed past
a tunnel rat shooting from cover to silence the loud blast
^ The flow most definetly fell off its coast right here.


he racked up hits Scoring head shots at close to a thousand
a proud man trying to go from mole hills to climbing mountains
he was Counting the shell cases when the vietcong found him
^ OK, i was reading this as a real piece, but you just took away the "realness" factor it had. Headshots transported me straight to COD, but thats prolly just me personally, but also, in snipe training, especially mid 70's they always said go for the heart in long distances, head shots are for the show offs, or close range, or extreme scopes... mid 70s lol. Somehow, i didnt see your character as either show off, nor being close range hiking and all, and thousands added to the unrealness... cuz thats thousands of reloads, and you dont snipe alone... so it makes it more ficticious that he'd be able to carry that many clips to a remote location and hike for thousands of head shots and count his shells, and in the mid 70's its even harder for me to believe. I just went off on a rant lol.




ill finish feeding later-

[Defiance]

day am your right.. you hated this piece.. misinterpreted as it was by you..

the head shots at a thousand is reference to Distance not number of kills..


but hey i feel you.. all these pieces I've been dropping are key styles not really edited or planned or thought through lol

still upping for solid feed like the panda bear gave

[Alvin]

"he racked up hits Scoring head shots at close to a thousand"

no where on earth could i ever relate your use of thousands to distance.

"the head shots at a thousand"

Maybe, but still no. Prior and after the line you never referenced or implied distance, so why would i magically assume it?

all these pieces I've been dropping are key styles

LMFAO. If they're just keystyles, well not bad, let me know the next to you actually take time on something, Ill feed that