The best for me.. my first scripture drop on IL

[T-Stylez]

post39694.html

i didnt really got into the topic cuz i just wanted to be free to write but at some points im on topic i think lol.


I'm fifteen years so i guess im still a-fool
I got in the decision Rapping or gay-school
No tough decision but it's a tough walk-to-my-fame
Will i ever manage 'n' reach to talk-through-a-game
With millions of rappers also trying to become-stars
Speaking into peoples mind, only needing some-bars
But i know thats the best for me, no-hesitation
Trying to bring mo'-inspiration for yo-generation
That still not made it cuz they didnt show-concentration
Or cuz Their flow-situation gave 'em a low-education
So like inhalation i try to inspire in and out
Only for the true hip hoppers, surely no doubt
So what the best is for me, is inspire-and-desire
Communicating with bars, letting the fire-stand-higher
My messages come so much in yo mind its like spam-yo
'n' I always picture beautiful things Like a webcam-ho'


Already thanks for ya'll feed. Appreciate it

[B-Bear]

pretty straight dude.. some basic multies that flowed pretty tight..

My messages come so much in yo mind its like spam-yo
'n' I always picture beautiful things Like a webcam-ho'

funny^^

vocab was straight, all in all a good drop considerin it's ya first written on IL, keep droppin and u'll be grateful

[T-Stylez]

Thanks for the feed. Appreciate it, I'm willing to feed in return so if ya want anything to be feeded imma take a look at it later

[B-Bear]

aiit.. u do that... check it out, don't take her away verse 1

[complexity]

This first line helps me immediately draw a conclusion.

"I'm fifteen years so i guess im still a-fool
I got in the decision Rapping or gay-school"

You're already sacrificing content for rhymes and at your stage as an artist. I would try to break that habit right away.

Basically every time you used a rhyme it had one distinct quality. The rhyme would serve the sole purpose of rhyming with the rhymes before it no matter the conclusion.

The problem with that ideology is you write an absurd piece ninety nine percent of the time.

This wasn't really an exception. You started out encouraging as you were describing why you need to be in hip-hop.

I thought "getting into hip-hop" was the topic than the randomized bars came into play.

At the end of the piece, I was left unsatisfied. Than again it's all in the eye of the beholder.

Free writing is fine but you need to bring your game when ever you drop.

I'm just trying to find any negative aspects of your writing and hopefully you can improve on them.

I read all your shit in the try out as well. You're not horrible but everything I said definitely applies to you. Keep it up.

[T-Stylez]

thanks i like that feed, it'll help me yeah.
So if u wrote it, what things would u like, do different... i mean, u just naming the negative aspects here which is ok, BUT can u also tell me how to improve it in a way i can understand i mean, i'll do it different the next time, but how do i know thats the right thing??

Respect for the big ass feed anyway

[complexity]

Basically every time you used a rhyme it had one distinct quality. The rhyme would serve the sole purpose of rhyming with the rhymes before it no matter the conclusion.

The problem with that ideology is you write an absurd piece ninety nine percent of the time.

Just keep reading that over again.

[T-Stylez]

oh i get it lol finally, u and ur fancy words. =P
Anyway thanks i'll think off it,

I'll use less forced shit

[~*Blitz*~]

you definatley got some potential, this piece wasnt bad but it coulda been more succesful with a lil more creativity

[T-Stylez]

Thanks blitz