perfectly imperfect

LadySam · Post by **LadySam** » Fri May 25, 2007 8:36 pm

sooooo i think this may be more of a poem? a rap was intended though. move if needed

she was in the perfect place with the perfect scene
the perfect man with the most perfect dream
attitude to everything dire, 'it'll never happen to me'
she had perfect vision but the woman could barely see
woke up, and the world surprised her effusively
her perfect man had hurt her willfully
her dreams shattered, smashed to smithereens
that perfect dream was not what she imagined it to be
woman thought life had been handed to her easily
and that shed get passed the bumps in life effortlessly
she bawled she squeeled, her life was perfect remember?
the perfect scene suddenly indicernible, the scene is now small and tender
waiting for someone to defend her,this perfect place slowly departs her
flashbacks pass her, her life slowly retires,
her perfect world dissmisses her, its her time to expire
she says goodbye to her perfect history
hello my new found imperfect mystery

freestyle-7-vt5209.html

MesaR · Post by **MesaR** » Fri May 25, 2007 9:20 pm

Damn, Stayed on topic well.. Felt This Drop..

Some Lines Felt abit forched, and stretched
and some re wording could have helped.
but anyway this drop wasnt bad, sorta got to me... * Tear Tear *
Good Work, Keep Active, Keep Dropping!.. Lets See More!..

B-Bear · Post by **B-Bear** » Fri May 25, 2007 10:49 pm

agree with seqeunce, it wasn't bad - and u stayed well on topic.. try and get a more consistent rhyme scheme, cause that'll help u with your flow - cause this piece was a bit choppy

Example:
"woke up, and the world surprised her effusively
her perfect man had hurt her willfully"

otherwise u had some good emotion in it.. a piece many can relate to.. like to see more sammy, keep droppin

LadySam · Post by **LadySam** » Sat May 26, 2007 8:33 am

thanks guys, uppin

~Symbolikull~ · Post by **~Symbolikull~** » Sat May 26, 2007 10:10 am

yooo... you are "mos def fa sho" gettin better at writin..

you stayed on your topic perfectly, the flow and delivery of imagery was tight, vocab was mad ill in some parts, the feelin and emotions in it fit directly into the story. it was a "very" "solid" piece in every aspect of writin.

keep it up and keep elevatin Sam!!!!

LadySam · Post by **LadySam** » Sat May 26, 2007 6:21 pm

haha thanks dude. whats with the quotation marks haha

drunken jesus · Post by **drunken jesus** » Sun May 27, 2007 9:35 am

your wording's getting better, repeated her a lil too much, some of the rhymes are a lil sketchy but this is probably the best verse you've dropped you stayed on topic well, you just need to work on structuring a rhythm and more complex rhyming and you're set

complexity · Post by **complexity** » Sun May 27, 2007 3:48 pm

Nice little story.

Sorry if my feedback isn't detailed as usual but I've been extremely busy lately.

LadySam · Post by **LadySam** » Sun May 27, 2007 5:08 pm

yess u better be sorry! haha its ok thanks for the feed boys

T-Stylez · Post by **T-Stylez** » Sun May 27, 2007 6:48 pm

pretty good.
While reading it made me think about ghetto gospel from pac, it had a kinda same sort of story i guess.

Its all nice!!

Just work on what the others say, i guess thats it!!

LadySam · Post by **LadySam** » Mon May 28, 2007 1:35 pm

lol ta mate

134282 · Post by **134282** » Mon May 28, 2007 7:56 pm

This was nice, but I felt like you made the same mistake I, myself, often make. I felt there was a general feel to the topic and the reader [or listener] was not privy to the intimate details that took place. What happened to this girl...? How did her perfect man hurt her...? Also, what happened at the end...? Who's the new mystery dude...? Lastly, I think some of the multi-syllabic rhymes were forced and that compromised the smoothness of the piece.

LadySam · Post by **LadySam** » Mon May 28, 2007 8:34 pm

there was no new dude, and with me saying that i know exactly what you mean. thanks for the feed

perfectly imperfect

perfectly imperfect

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