You'll Never Be Forgotten

[B-Bear]

I've had my problems and i've defeated the obstacles to solve em
the hospital's resolvement was the opposite of any type of involvement
they said he couldn't be saved cause the injuries was too lethal
but i screamed do something and the doctor answered we're only people
that incident was like a tsunami swallowin me and my existence
it's like it ripped out my vitals like grenades without resistance
u just can't say u know pain until u've lost someone close 2 u
feelin resgined cause grieving is really all u're suppose to do
reexperiening the incident in your head hopin to find solution
but u can't decide on a conclusion that fits any of your illusions
feelin the tears rollin down my chin when i sit here and remenisce
the memories are limitless and crashing in my lap like they're endless
they drowned in tears and sunk my body slowly into the cold water
it seems harder to believe for every second that pass, and it's scary
just thinkin of how the ancient ferry took you to the kingdom of death
while i'm still here, locked in my corpse tryin to enjoy my last breath

[B-Bear]

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/one-p ... t6264.html

[complexity]

You barely ever force multis. I'm not saying you don't sacrifice content for rhymes. People sometimes don't understand the difference.

Your scheme isn't as consistent as it could be, but it's getting there. It's still one of the most original on the site.

Sometimes I swear to god, I wrote a few of them bars.

You always keep the vocabulary up, which is great.

Ok. I haven't gave the quick summary on you for a while. Feels like it's been a while since I left feedback on one of your pieces.

The story had good visual. It all connected and made sense. It was fairly descriptive.

On the otherhand, it wasn't that interesting. I mean, I don't think anyone wants to see this movie. Agree?

8/10. It was short enough to keep my attention, but it wasn't stellar.

Probably in your top 10 drops, but not top 5.

[B-Bear]

Sometimes I swear to god, I wrote a few of them bars.

Haha

Anyway, yeah, I get it.. but this was suppose to be a descriptive piece

It's a touchy topic really, just tried to describe the emotions and thoughts that's runnin through your head when u lose somebody..

And yeah, the rhyme scheme wasn't that consistent.. but very often, I just write, not really caring about a rhyme scheme.. i honestly prefer that, cause u're bond to a certain way of writing, u can just write.. and usually, u'll get a rhyme scheme at the end..

[8th]

that was pretty good man. If my memory serves, you've improved alot since last time I read anything from you. Overall, it was deep, good vocab, good story, and nice use of multies. You fell off a little toward that end with them, so it made the verse seem a little unbalanced. It seemed like the second half was rushed. But it was good, the last couple bars could use some work.

Favorite bars:

I've had my problems and i've defeated the obstacles to solve em
the hospital's resolvement was the opposite of any type of involvement
they said he couldn't be saved cause the injuries was too lethal
but i screamed do something and the doctor answered we're only people
that incident was like a tsunami swallowin me and my existence
it's like it ripped out my vitals like grenades without resistance

[SlickMex]

I liked the scheme to this..
And the content was pretty solid IMO..
I like to see drops with meaning behind them instead of random rants..

"they said he couldn't be saved cause the injuries was too lethal
but i screamed do something and the doctor answered we're only people"

"u just can't say u know pain until u've lost someone close 2 u
feelin resgined cause grieving is really all u're suppose to do"

Really liked these 2 bars..they stuck 2 me..

[B-Bear]

Thanks, appreciate the feedback!

8th, it isn't the best I've written, since u mentioned the improval.. but donno how long it is since u've read any of my verses..

Uppin for feedback peeps!

[MesaR]

Yeah It Was Pretty Solid.

Word You Use Good Vocab All the Time Witch Is Dope.
I Liked The Whole Concept Of This And It Kept My Attention..

7.5 / 10


reexperiening the incident in your head hopin to find solution
but u can't decide on a conclusion that fits any of your illusions


Fav Bar ^^ Good Work (Y)..

[B-Bear]

Thanks, appreciate feedback!


Uppin for feeeeeeedback