What Happended?

[B-Bear]

A lil story... hope ya'll ike it..

a story about a guy who started chillin with the wrong dudes
he found his family, friends and tried to be fillin the wrong shoes
the smartest kid in class turned into the hardest in a flash
turned into a megalomaniac like a young artist with cash
slangin em drugs, hangin with thugs and confronted the streets
revenge is haunting at his feet, he's wanted by the peeps
he thought would crown him, but they rather drowned him in dirt
u can call him down to earth cause he's like six feet under
and i can hear the thunder roaring as your soul's passin by
can't help but askin why, cause i need to find my answer
but i guess only time will tell why u were thinkin that way
drinkin that day, it shouldn't be your coffin that we're sinkin today

[-TraMaTiK-]

this was cool man..liked these bars

slangin em drugs, hangin with thugs and confronted the streets
revenge is haunting at his feet, he's wanted by the peeps
he thought would crown him, but they rather drowned him in dirt
u can call him down to earth cause he's like six feet under

definetly make it longer! then show us the rest,cant leave 2 much feed since it aint really long u kno?

[MesaR]

yeah this was pretty short man, thought you could have added more bars since its a good topic

the start started off really nice.. good rhyme's everything..

he thought would crown him, but they rather drowned him in dirt
u can call him down to earth cause he's like six feet under
and i can hear the thunder roaring as your soul's passin by
can't help but askin why, cause i need to find my answer
but i guess only time will tell why u were thinkin that way
drinkin that day, it shouldn't be your coffin that we're sinkin today

those bars were alright too, but ur first lil bit was the best in ur verse, good shit

[B-Bear]

Thanks.. I'll make it longer.. add a couple bars or verses.. Appreciate feedback

[B-Bear]

UPPIN!

[Momeijah]

Piece is Dope As Hell...

Good Use Of Multis And Flow in This. The 'Tried To Be' in The 2nd Line Kinda Threw The Flow Off For Me There Otherwise That Would've Been a Brilliant 1st Bar.

My Favourite Lines Would Be;

u can call him down to earth cause he's like six feet under
and i can hear the thunder roaring as your soul's passin by
can't help but askin why, cause i need to find my answer

You've Definitely improved a LOT Over The Last Year, Rhymescheme And Structure Wise. This Piece Wasn't as Descriptive as Previous Drops ive Seen From u So My Advice Would Be To Maybe Fix a Couple Of Small Chinks in There But The Length For Me Was Fine. None Of The Lines Seemed Rushed So i Think The Ending Couldn't Have Came at a Better Time. That's Just My View On it Though, if u Want To Make it Longer Then Do So. But Yeah This Was a Dope as Hell Piece, And u Told The Story in a Dope Way, Could've Been So Much Simpler So Props For Pulling All That Out.

[B-Bear]

Thanks - the reason for it being that short is that it's written to a beat.. it's the first verse of a new song i'm doin..

[Momeijah]

Btw i Edited My Post 3 Times Because Of Typing Errors Lol. Just in Cas eu Read it Pre-Edit.

[B-Bear]

Lol, no problem..