Nostalgia

[Brah-Vo]

Shush and clap, raiza sharpe just landed on the tarmac
physically scarred like british marred chaps, too much of a crowd so bring the car back
outstanding parkin fees so im sent to sea to an undisclosed building
click clack like writers block the bars snapped, prison gangs be either chilling or killing
got a right to fair trial, in denial that i commited a crime, its trial time
breakin a sweat, jury makin bets if im innocent,kept thinkin "if i lie im fine"
found not guilty, wipe my brow, the blue birds sing with the sun shining
better become a law abiding citizen, im a hoodstar so i gotta get to my gun signing
My Son is Lining up, didnt know i was his dad, naively came up to me with a pen and a pad
looked at his face i then became sad, rememberd his momma and then i became mad
Stop day dreamin, stars i was seein, a thug comes up to me puts a gun in my face
so i close up shop, so i wouldnt get shot, and i ran my hardest like i was runnin a race
backtrack turn back the page, rewind for a split second in time
At the post office, im second in line, a bitter old woman just seconds behind
a model walks down a catwalk, the audience faints the second she shines
a 23 year old dude lies on his death bed, turn his familys world upside down the second he dies
A young budding, cunning rapper with a lyric fulla swagger, cries in tears of joy the second he's signed
Record, retrack and scratch the beat, feel the bass below ya feet and show ya peeps
u moe then weak, fear dont touch me, justified justly, hungry with the munchies u Slow to Weep.
No feelings for a stranger, so that girl u just saw? nah you shouldnt bang her
no love for a stranger, had sex wit her and hanged her, called you the boston strangler
This world far from perfect, people still waitin for love to resurface
return the product and then re purchase, you buy a new album and ya friends say " We heard this"
Ashamed, its all so lame, people dont know ya name, but you dont care
you wont care, dont stare, need clothes to wear, they show you love so show the same

[Arvincible]

i like the idea and the concept of your drop, but the flow is really unbalanced. you had half the drop in a particular flow but it it wasnt consistent. other than that i like the simple vocab put into play and the story was very descriptive, real talk lol

a 23 year old dude lies on his death bed, turn his familys world upside down the second he dies
A young budding, cunning rapper with a lyric fulla swagger, cries in tears of joy the second he's signed
Record, retrack and scratch the beat, feel the bass below ya feet and show ya peeps
u moe then weak, fear dont touch me, justified justly, hungry with the munchies u Slow to Weep.

my fave lines^^

[Brah-Vo]

good lookin out arv.

UPPING

[Omega Bill]

Arv pointed out my favorite lines also. He also pointed out what I was gonna say about your flow, woulda been a lot better drop if there was one consistent flow, it seemed to jump ever 2 bars like you were swithcing styles up mid-verse. Ya know?

Other than that, good stuff. Just work ona consistent flow and you'll be good.

[Haz]

No feelings for a stranger, so that girl u just saw? nah you shouldnt bang her
no love for a stranger, had sex wit her and hanged her, called you the boston strangler

lol ^^ liked That line the Most

Work on ya Structure.. Aiight..

[Prophet]

Nice ish, u keep improving every time I read on of your drops, vocab was good, multies were decent, and flow was ok.

[Brah-Vo]

Appreciate the feed homies. Uppin.

[Brah-Vo]

UPPING. i left feed on some drops. so payit back.

[thaphantom]

pretty nice homie...dont got no fav lines though...it had its ups and had its downs you know....but like they said get a good structure going on...cause without that the reader loses interest....but keep up and keep practicin..

[~Symbolikull~]

this was up and down for me. structure needs some structure, long bars are fine but you have to clean them up and make them more even, but dont sacrifice for content or rhyme scheme. it comes thru practice and nobodies perfect. but this was better flow and vocab are growin wit each drop. so its good to see improvement.. props





water-fire-x-vt7954.html

[Khan]

Stop day dreamin, stars i was seein, a thug comes up to me puts a gun in my face
so i close up shop, so i wouldnt get shot, and i ran my hardest like i was runnin a race.


I Like That Line, But I Have To Say, You Made The Lines A Little To Long.

This is what i would do for long lines,to keep the structure and flow going.

you were doing it as well, but on some lines you didn't, and lost your wordplay.

example:

I Don't Spit Words, I Spit Threats, With Chaos That'll Crack-ya-neck//
So I'm Crackin-Vets, and Destroying Bets, Treat it like MTV, Who's Next?//

I try to use multi, in the front of long lines, reasoning being, instead of talking alot and rhyming one or two words at the end, the front multis, keep the wordplay together so its doesn't sound like a poem ya feel me?

just my thoughts, it was a good read altogether though.

[complexity]

This was metaphorically ill in a lot of places. The creativity was exceptional.

Unfortunately, it was a bit unbalanced.

This is more than impressive for a 12? or 13? year old to have such a grasp
for the english language already.

The possibilities you have as a writer are endless, keep it up.

A lot of this was turned into a story mode though, and I don't think you fully grasp the difficulty to do a story with rhyme schemes properly.

Actually, basically nobody on this site can do it justice (including me).

But it does have a lot to do with structure as Ghost mentioned.

The imagery and the wordplay was pretty decent as well. They should both be magnificent,
if you expect to make a great story rap.

Of course, I'm being very critical, but that's what I always do, because not many people do.

(btw, i take a shot at you for this piece in my next drop)

Keep it up.

[Brah-Vo]

Thanks for the feed plex and khan.
Yeh i didnt really wanna sacrifice content in this piece for a rhyme structure. Just needed to get out what i needed to say.

But yeh gracias for the feed dudes.