Been a minute...

[Panama]

I know it's been a minute since I've been on, but I've been busy as hell..

LOL.. anyways this is one that I wrote for a collaboration back at Rap Wars, the collab hasn't dropped yet.. but here's my verse...

It's pretty much about a life gone completely fuckin wrong...

His finger on the trigger he started to swallow the pistol
reminicin on the reasons he started to follow the crystal
Just a little dope, he'd hoped it'd help him cope with the pain
smoky rooms and moldy shrooms it all just drove him insane
with nobody knowin his pain, like a clown he joked through the strain
a tragedy but his sanity shattered like a window all over his brain
He was a good kid, and it was bliss till his father passed in his chips
That day his passion had slipped his mind a whirlwind catchin a drift
carried away it was no more games and fun so he loaded up guns
It was all tokin, smokin snortin coke till it choked up his lungs
He came home one day, his mom said, "Don't run away won't you stay?"
It was heart stoppin still, he saw she was poppin pills, "Stay home you say?!"
In anger he shouted at her, there were tears in her eyes she cried
Damn near insane from the pain it was his fear that inside she died
Not wanting to live he was fast on the gas headed back to his crib
After crying and drying his tears got off the bed and packed up his things
A friend came over and said, there's a party starting come relive your stress
They talked of a girl, tied up n taped for rape, she'd receive his best
After one finished rapin her he said "Come try it my brother"
So he took his position in line and tied on a rubber
her muffled cries made him wonder who he was tryin to smother
He pulled on her hair then looked into the eyes of his mother....

[Omega Bill]

Damn. This whole piece was real tight. Good multis and flow throughout, there was line that chopped the flow for a second, good way of telling the story too and staying on topic.

The closer was a fucking shock, I like twist endings though, it was well done.

Feed on "Lyrically Dead" if you would.

[Panama]

Thanks guys... yeah I love doing twist endings.. I was just thinkin.. what could happen to this guy to completely fuck him up...

Also if you notice in the beginning he's swallowing a pistol then starts to reminisce...

[snowgoon]

yeh it was good.. it was dark and descriptive.. overall a good read,

pea2e

[Panama]

Thnx for the feed man... Uppin...

[Arvincible]

hmmm its a really nice piece and great story
but tell the truth my nigga, this concept has already been done.

Immortal Techniques - Dancing with the Devil

IF you havent heard that lol. It's a lot alike...

ANYWAYS...heres ur real feed my bad.

"a tragedy but his sanity shattered like a window all over his brain"

^^^that was ur best line: Nice diction, vivid image, and great metaphor.

The piece was rushed through the story, jumping from scene to scene to quickly
But I bet if you put more into it, it can become an entire track.
There was a lot of repitition on the words "Pain"" & "Insane".. that hurts u a bit.
Good shiit though man, i dont check if u bite or anything but if it really is urs u got my props..
Keep it comin.

THis is constructive criticism, take it as it is.

Do u vote? we need proper voters in the battlegrounds and Topical tournament thanks