Welcome to Illest Lyrics forum established in 2005.
----
Free Vapes

Sat there..

Drop your written rhymes in one of the largest collections of original rhymes on the internet. The feedback in our Written Rhymes section will simply amaze you.

Moderators: Loon E Lou, Enlightend

Post Reply
Haz
Supreme Lyricist
Offline
Posts: 6800
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2006 1:41 am
Wins: 67
Losses: 70
Location: The Port

Sat there..

Post by Haz »

dear myself, i know noone cares-to-help as my inner demons tear-myself
i'm not in the hospital but don't compare-my-health! to those-happy..
as a child i opposed-pappy, it was so-snappy the way he sent blows-at me
went home at night , i hated-da-moon darkness always shaded-da-room..
father beat me with the belt till my skin lookd like a deflated-Balloon
needed some1 fuck the friends-i-got,i aint see them-a-lot..
it didnt matter cause at the end-i'd-jot a poem listening to em-n-pac..
one day i ran till my knees-crackd eventually i had 2 flee-back..
And See-dat i couldnt stand up! as he stomped Meee-flat..
He crushd my Power-on-purpose so i culd feel like a Cowar-And-worthliss..
I was soooo stepped on and treated like Mudd-Scummie..
Thats the price i payd for bein his son it's Blood-Money...
one night he came in claimin, he had so Much pain in..
his life to-bare, he asked me "do you-care?"
i nodded he cosigned-Yes,"So let me put u thru pain to make MINELESS!
So he Move-his-fists,on Some abusive-Shit Till i was Blue-n-Fit
To match-da-Sea..And my mindstate matchd-Dabree...
This was his Amusement park how was "THAT FAIR?"
The Worse part was Mom Cried & jus SAT-THERE...
Image
User avatar
- Mutual -
Supreme Lyricist
Offline
Posts: 4442
Joined: Wed Apr 09, 2008 2:01 am
Wins: 5
Losses: 11
Location: Dont Live In One

Post by - Mutual - »

man the mutlies were pretty good
it flowed well within the concept of the topic
the finish had a nice feel about
it was pretty good overall i was feelin this piece
tell me wot ya think about ya sig n keep'em comin
The Eagerness Is Putrid My Fluids Acid Leaves You Vexed Like Black Holes
Your Inept To Correct Stretched Like Fat Folds Perplexed Like Castro
I'm So Tenacious With Rhymes Sensatious So Patient With Lines
While You Fill Your Writtens With Filler And So Stay Vacant In Mind
I'm Amiable But Too Your Haters I Appease Your Arcane Admissions
Dark Games No Vision Your Avarice Lead To Scarred Shamed Partitions
So Callous In His Candor You Have To Coerce For Neglect
For Worse Or For Best I'm Confidant With A Verse Of Respect

!!ILLEST MINDS!!
Image
Haz
Supreme Lyricist
Offline
Posts: 6800
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2006 1:41 am
Wins: 67
Losses: 70
Location: The Port

Post by Haz »

Uppin 4 Feed
User avatar
Arvincible
Unstoppable Emcee
Offline
Posts: 2304
Joined: Fri Dec 28, 2007 9:05 pm
Wins: 67
Losses: 18
Location: So Cal

Post by Arvincible »

I liked the beginning of it, shit was decent, just some of ur sentences come off short, like u bounce from one idea to another too quick.

Its good though ur multis were not bad. Its not that complex but its ok.

The story was decent as well. Good job
Image
Post Reply

Return to “Written Rhymes”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 10 guests