afterlife

[Deception]

abysall freeze,the snow is falling,everyone heres moarning/
black suits hanging acustom, still the fatiged ones yawning//
as the body intrudes deep into the earths core,deep inside/
this a bona fide offer to the gods, waiting for tear to subside//
while the soul of the loved one escaped swirling into shades of light/
leaving the colours splitting stuck in the prism of the ever lasting life//
to shine on forever, stuck in this demondish cage, filled with pain and rage/
of the people stolen before, as god aint evil but the suffering he will assuage//
once the soul leaves this limbo, it goes into the deep valley of death/
a gauge in the heavens with no sound but that of the last mans dying breath//
filled to the brim with all types of feelings that linger gingerly/
the smells are thrown at you bitterly, leaving you there stood miserably/
line of sight doesnt run far, to canyon walls leading on for eternity/
not what is promised, no pearly gates of saint peter you await so deservidly//

posted this on netcees aswell just upped it here as was my last drop.

[IntrinsicCadence]

I liked this drop, though think it would have been better suited in the poetry forum. My biggest suggestion for improvement would be to start it off a little stronger, cuz honestly after the first bar or so I didn't think I was gonna like it, but then it started picking up and got better as it went on. I'd suggest adding in a couple bars to intro into it or something.
The rhyme scheme was decent, kinda basic, but looking at it as a poetry drop it fit its form well. The vocab was on point for the most part. Overall, this a nice drop. I'd like to read some more stuff from you, feel like you got a unique writing style that could create some real nice shit..

[Lyrical Gen]

This was well-written but the flow was kind of off. It seemed like more of a poetic piece (as previously stated) than a rap. Not that that's a bad thing, I just don't see it sounding smooth if you were to spit it unless you were saying it as a poem.

There was some nice imagery in this piece but you could probably be a little more detailed in terms of adding some wordplay (this drop was also a good opportunity to introduce some thought thought-provoking metaphors to accentuate your storyline).

Overall, this was aite. Keep droppin and improvin.

[The Man]

It was like a joint, it was fun while it lasted, but I won't remember it two days from now. Keep writing my friend.

[Deception]

thanks for the feed guys

[Orfadox]

I Liked This Peice Had Some Nice Imagery In There Vocab Was Pretty Cool Too But As Mentioned Before It Read More Like A Poetry Peice...Anyway Nice Verse Keep Dropping Man

[Deception]

thanks orfadox, thats what im tryna improve my peices drop like poetry yet wen i flow it it sounds good. so i just need to learn to drop my usual sorta peices with some multis and make them flow to everyone

cheers

[Kuhlerblynd]

I agree with everyone here, basically, but we can take it one step further... You had great imagery, and a good concept for a written drop. No doubt that this had more of a poetic feel, but I can show you how to lose that, and keep you coming with tight drops like this has the potential to be. More than anything, I think you need to work on your internal rhyming to bring more of your flow out. Start with that, and we'll see what the next drop has in store. One.

[Deception]

cheers for the feed, ill try to write one with a differnt rhyme scheme later with internals in and see how it goes.

[The Man]

I'm a pro at internals.