Here goes nothing...

[Finesse]

Here's my first post

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/getti ... ml#p163346

and here's number 2

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/worst ... ml#p163348

Alright, here goes...

I step out the whip, laced to the tip/
Got a fresh white tee and some coke white kicks/
Crisp new jeans and my hoody half zipped/
New Era cap with a real loose fit/
Yo I never been a Blood and I don't claim Crip/
But you better watch your back while I flip the script/
Reppin' P-town like my name was L.A./
Or B-Roy, yeah I do it all day/
Homie don't play or I'll make you lay down/
Bring the fiyah like Uriah, hit you with a take-take down/
But I don't bust rounds, don't tote a gat/
Got ya arm behind your back while I make you kiss the mat/
And that's that, I'm new to this rap game/
Spittin' crazy bars, you know the boy's insane/
Like Freddy Kruger, or maybe Norman Bates/
Or maybe Tyson, 'cause you know the boy's a heavyweight/



Any feedback is much appreciated

[stayTRUE07]

Crisp new jeans and my hoody half zipped/
New Era cap, wit a real loose fit/

Smooth...I liked it. The only thing I'd say is make the middle meatier. Other than that dope, bruddah.

[Finesse]

Thanks bro, coulda made it a little longer, just throwing something up real quick to get myself out there

[FatalX]

personally I dont like the whole self hype clothing ish because all that flossin ish is for the birds-if someone came around me flossin some kicks or a chain like they where trying to impress somebody I'd probably snatch it from them.....but since the main stream's audience likes it I will go ahead and feed this accordingly


I step out the whip, laced to the tip/
Got a fresh white tee and some coke white kicks/
^^^^^alright opener
Crisp new jeans and my hoody half zipped/
New Era cap with a real loose fit/
^^^^like dude said is flowed nice
Yo I never been a Blood and I don't claim Crip/
But you better watch your back while I flip the script/
^^^^^^^^^^the way you worded this to me makes you sound like a punk
Reppin' P-town like my name was L.A./
Or B-Roy, yeah I do it all day/
^^^^rough change up
Homie don't play or I'll make you lay down/
Bring the fiyah like Uriah, hit you with a take-take down/
But I don't bust rounds, don't tote a gat/
Got ya arm behind your back while I make you kiss the mat/
^^^^^most people are going to assume you dont bust rounds anyway so that portion of info was useless
And that's that, I'm new to this rap game/
Spittin' crazy bars, you know the boy's insane/
^^^^looks like you tried to keep it the flow going
Like Freddy Kruger, or maybe Norman Bates/
Or maybe Tyson, 'cause you know the boy's a heavyweight/
^^^^^^^^^^those three names have been beyond played out very weak closer

Overall I am going to say that you had numerous topics in this...try to focus on one subject as in you got some fresh gear and your heading to the club or when someone gets out of line this is what youll do or have done before....you have potential dont be discouraged just focus

[MonuMental]

I agree with Fatal for the most part. Do what you do for you and don't be discouraged.
This one line stood out to me as pretty cool:

I step out the whip, laced to the tip/
Got a fresh white tee and some coke white kicks/

Keep workin always and stay up, bruh.

[infinite9]

the crisp new jeans line and the loose fit line was my favorite as well. just flowed so f*cking smoothly.

this was an alright piece. worth the read. reminds me of an old school vid mixed with a new school style of writing. keep it up man.

[Damage Control]

I step out the whip, laced to the tip/
Got a fresh white tee and some coke white kicks/

^^Alright..

Crisp new jeans and my hoody half zipped/
New Era cap with a real loose fit/

^^ Like stated previously, smooth flow.

Yo I never been a Blood and I don't claim Crip/
But you better watch your back while I flip the script/

^^ =/ Not a fan of this, REAL mainstream sounding & makes you come off like a 13 year old with his first pair of Jordans.

Reppin' P-town like my name was L.A./
Or B-Roy, yeah I do it all day/

^^ Filler. Doesn't go with anything you previously said.

Homie don't play or I'll make you lay down/
Bring the fiyah like Uriah, hit you with a take-take down/

^^ Okay.

But I don't bust rounds, don't tote a gat/
Got ya arm behind your back while I make you kiss the mat/

^^ If 'gangster' if what you're aiming for, not the right wording. Makes you appear as a wrestler or a cop.

And that's that, I'm new to this rap game/
Spittin' crazy bars, you know the boy's insane/
Like Freddy Kruger, or maybe Norman Bates/
Or maybe Tyson, 'cause you know the boy's a heavyweight/

^^ Well at least you said you're new to the rap game, the writing shows [no offense, just truth brother.] Tyson is probably one of the most played metaphors in rap to date aswell.

Overall, I didn't like this. Not so much the writing, as the topic. FatalX hit it on the head for me, self-hype sounds better on audio, if at all. Here it looks like you're writing a resume' to be a gangbanger. BUT! Keep your head up man, it gets easier with time. Try focusing on a certain topic.

[Finesse]

Thanks for the feedback, it wasn't intended to be groundbreaking or anything like that, just something that came off the top. Again, appreciate the feedback

[Kause mc]

Yea i understand that this is a quick one so i ant gonna break it down like these cats im just gonna say in ur next post put something up that u really took ur time with. That way we can better ur skill at its best ya feel me?

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[Finesse]

Fasho brotha, my next post will be something slower that I'm trying to be more serious with