Remixed verse of the Wake Up Call

[B-Bear]

Here's the link, hope I do this shit right now..lol.. u're supposed to post a link to a thread where u've given feedback right?

http://illestlyrics.com/board/a-revised ... t2051.html


And here's my remixed version of a the wake up call, about to be recorded...


I've seen reality, I've faced the truth \
avoided insanity in the days my youth \
I'm blinded for hospitality,
keeping the right mentality
hard and rough, cats gon respect me
don't need anyone here to protect me
I'ma ranger aiming tightly when I fire
I'm the danger due to my mighty desire
Cause when u feel my 9 milli tongue
Shit will hit harder then an anti-craft gun
Try breathe like Fab, and I'll collapse ya longue
U like d12, but u're not good die young
Y'all know when b-bear's done
like Jay-z is talking about a kingdom to come
just no discussion, mine'll leave ya head wit a concussion
only like two years of lyrical experience
but no hysterical disobedience from the audience
cause they already love me, no one above me
from tha north to tha south, and from tha east to tha west,
I'm a beast on a mothafuckin lyrical quest
straight outta the city of Bergen
droppin wit the perfection of a surgeon
no one know exactly what'll emerge and
blow ya brains out on the kerb
while ya homies laughin at ya
damn,you gut served
cause what u get is what u deserve

[complexity]

pretty nice man
you have came along way

I'm a ranger aiming tightly when I fire
I'm the danger due to my mighty desire

I liked this bar though the syllables don't match.
So you lose the flow a little bit.

Good read though. Creative. Come in the chatroom and talk to me

[8th]

u're supposed to post a link to a thread where u've given feedback right?

correct.

ill edit this with feed when i get off work.

[B-Bear]

yeah, I know.. but i worked out of a sorta audio perspective, if u know what i mean, so from that point i thought it worked.. but thanks tho, appreicating all feed!

[8th]

first off, are you from bergen new jersey?

anyways:

I've seen reality, I've faced the truth \
avoided insanity in the days my youth \

I'ma ranger aiming tightly when I fire
I'm the danger due to my mighty desire

^my two favorite lines. It was kind of an on and off piece. Some of the lines were good, but some were pretty basic. Try to stay consistant with your rhyme structure, that way it will flow better. I would aslo say try to elevate your vocab. You had some multis, but some didnt work as well as other, so try to work on that. I think the main flaw was the non-consistancy of the rhyme structure though. work on that and the other things i mentioned and you should elevate very nicely.

stay up, and keep dropin. [and let me know if your from bergen, new jersey]

[B-Bear]

thanks homez.. i'll try and do somethin about it!

aprreciating u takin time to look over it

[Viral]

good shit man...u got alot better since wat i last seen u post....n i think dat was awhile ago...not sure i havent been in the writtens much lately...keep it up tho man